The solution to all your problems.
Take your phone with you.
Everywhere.
To work. To conversations. To parties. To the bathroom. In the car. To bed. Put it in a zip lock bag and take it in the shower with you. It's literally the solution to everything. Here are just a few ways this will save your life:
When you walk down the hall, put your head phones on. That way you can blare your own music and no one will bother you with an awkward greeting or attempted small talk. You can just glance at each other like two stiff chameleons devoid of personality, and keep walking, much too busy to interact.
And when you have to see a friend, you don't have to worry about awkward lulls in the conversation because you can just make a quick escape to facebook and find a funny meme you can both laugh at. Don't worry if it relates to the conversation or not, you weren't listening any way.
With your phone, you never have to be alone again. When you feel that little prick of loneliness, just text "hey" to a few dozen friends. Odds are several of them will reply with "Hey," supplying you with a sufficient amount of dopamine to your brain to survive the net ten minutes. After ten minutes, when you start feeling lonely again, just text another round of friends. When they don't reply and you begin to feel worthless, post something on social media. Edit your profile picture to you at the gym. BOOM! Three comments already on how sexy you look. Instant gratification. Dopamine restored. And in the next ten minutes when you are lonely again, just surf through memes. Remember. Humans can't relate to you. Memes can.
Stay away from human connection. Humans are gross. They smell, they're awkward, they don't understand you, they're click-ish, and for goodness sake's stay away from children, old people, and dancing.
You will have no friends. No one to call for an emergency at 3:00 AM. No one to confide in. No one to listen. Because you never took your head phones off to listen to them.
You'll never fly across the room with someone to the tune of an Irish jig because dancing requires excursion and sweating and closeness and an amazing amount of trust.
You will never see anyone take off their mask and pour out their heart. You will never look into someones eyes, and feel their hurt with them. And no one will look into your eyes and hurt with you.
Life will be ugly. You live in the media. And media is ugly because that's what our attention is drawn to.
You wont see those sunsets, those electric clouds, those cities from the hill top at 5:00AM that look like they're on fire, all those things you see in pictures but never smell, touch, taste, breathe. Because you'll be too busy looking down.
So stay inside. If it's uncomfortable, don't do it. If hand-sanitizer isn't provided, don't go. If it requires trust, stay away from it. And you will live a perfectly safe, comfortable, lonely life. Starving and decaying in a life devoid of meaning. Thank you.
Human relationships are rich, the're messy and demanding. We have learned the habit of cleaning them up with technology.
Most of all, we need to remember in-between texts and emails and facebook posts to listen to one another, even to the boring bits, because it's often in the unedited moments, moments in which we hesitate and stutter and go silent, that we reveal ourselves to one another.
Take your phone with you.
Everywhere.
To work. To conversations. To parties. To the bathroom. In the car. To bed. Put it in a zip lock bag and take it in the shower with you. It's literally the solution to everything. Here are just a few ways this will save your life:
This is the cure to your social awkwardness.
And when you have to see a friend, you don't have to worry about awkward lulls in the conversation because you can just make a quick escape to facebook and find a funny meme you can both laugh at. Don't worry if it relates to the conversation or not, you weren't listening any way.
This will cure your loneliness.
With your phone, you never have to be alone again. When you feel that little prick of loneliness, just text "hey" to a few dozen friends. Odds are several of them will reply with "Hey," supplying you with a sufficient amount of dopamine to your brain to survive the net ten minutes. After ten minutes, when you start feeling lonely again, just text another round of friends. When they don't reply and you begin to feel worthless, post something on social media. Edit your profile picture to you at the gym. BOOM! Three comments already on how sexy you look. Instant gratification. Dopamine restored. And in the next ten minutes when you are lonely again, just surf through memes. Remember. Humans can't relate to you. Memes can.
It will stop your mind from wondering.
Meditating is one of the worst things you can do for yourself. You might start thinking about things, like what you are actually feeling, and that could be dangerous. You might even start having deep thoughts, like what the meaning of life is. So in the mornings, before you let your mind fly off with thoughts, pick up your phone. Watch YouTube. View comments on your status. Edit the acne from your favorite selfie. This is why you need your phone on you at all times because you never know when you will be struck with the answer to world hunger, and inspiration leads to ideas, ideas lead to plans, and plans lead to responsibility and stress. And stress is bad.
You can be who you want to be.
On the internet, no one has to know the real you. You don't have to show your bad sides. Ever. You can edit yourself flawless. Just post pictures of you being active. You being inspirational. You volunteering.
Your relationships can be perfect. You don't even have to talk to your girl friend to make the world think you're relationship is perfect. Just post cute pictures of you too with the text, "Just love my babe!" Artificial perfection is at your fingertips.
The "Don't" List:
Stay away from human connection. Humans are gross. They smell, they're awkward, they don't understand you, they're click-ish, and for goodness sake's stay away from children, old people, and dancing.
A few side affects that may occur:
You will have no friends. No one to call for an emergency at 3:00 AM. No one to confide in. No one to listen. Because you never took your head phones off to listen to them.You'll never fly across the room with someone to the tune of an Irish jig because dancing requires excursion and sweating and closeness and an amazing amount of trust.
You will never see anyone take off their mask and pour out their heart. You will never look into someones eyes, and feel their hurt with them. And no one will look into your eyes and hurt with you.
Life will be ugly. You live in the media. And media is ugly because that's what our attention is drawn to.
You wont see those sunsets, those electric clouds, those cities from the hill top at 5:00AM that look like they're on fire, all those things you see in pictures but never smell, touch, taste, breathe. Because you'll be too busy looking down.
So stay inside. If it's uncomfortable, don't do it. If hand-sanitizer isn't provided, don't go. If it requires trust, stay away from it. And you will live a perfectly safe, comfortable, lonely life. Starving and decaying in a life devoid of meaning. Thank you.
I worry sometimes that humans are afraid of helping humans. There's less risk associated with animals, less fear of failure, fear of getting too involved.
-Marina Keegan
Human relationships are rich, the're messy and demanding. We have learned the habit of cleaning them up with technology.
Most of all, we need to remember in-between texts and emails and facebook posts to listen to one another, even to the boring bits, because it's often in the unedited moments, moments in which we hesitate and stutter and go silent, that we reveal ourselves to one another.
-Sherry Turkle, New York Times
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