The Not-A-Good-Bye Note

Wrote this one after work on a fairly typical uninteresting day:

The Not-A-Good-Bye Note

Hey,
It's me,  

Just writing to tell you 

She's going away.

But she'll be okay.

She's doing quite well.

I wish I could tell,

When she saw me,

She laughed.

She asked if you'd sail her 

Away on a raft.

She told me to tell you,

She's ready to go.

Ready for the next adventure,

Ya know?

She told me not 

To tell you goodbye,

Because secretly,

She doesn't want to die.

She's a bit nervous,

To tell you the truth.

Like a child waiting 

In the ticket booth.

Waiting for the next 

Wild ride,

For her Daddy to be there,

By her side.

She told me to tell you,

That it's been fun.

There's not an adventure 

She wouldn't have done.

(Emi's not dying.  Jsyk). 
A friend of mine described my death to me once in a game of Mafia.  Someone was about to be shot, so I jumped in front of the gun, taking the bullet, cried out a dramatic Shakespeare silique and died.
I've never been more satisfied with an imaginary death.  I wish I could plan it out like a game of Mafia.

I created another paper thanksgiving chain.  For about 3 months I wrote on little slips of black paper everything that has made my life fantastic.  I created 345 links last I counted.  Every time I thought I couldn't come up with anything else, I found something else.  345 links later, I still remember things I forgot to write.

Just this year has been a heck of a ride.  Thanks for the adventure's my friends! 

Coffee Shop Lamentations

Coffee Shop Lamentations 

This is my coffee

I couldn't afford.

I bought it on my own accord.

The foam begins to split apart,

A melting sensation 

At mid-way start.

The center displays 

A snowy leaf 

That peals to thread

Like a coral reef.

I said I'd make this poem brief.

Desperate need of some relief.

Should throw in a theme about my belief.

In slanted letters,

On the mug,

Says: A Cup of Coffee is Like a Hug!

A real hug 

Sounds kinda nice.

One that doesn't have a price.

This cup of coffee 

Just doesn't suffice.

A moment of relief,

From deprivation,

My taste buds dance,

In celebration.

A moment of peace 

From a major migraine.

A shirt that speckled 

With coffee stain.

Just a minute to relieve the pain.

To think I might not go insane.

Out side the shop,

It begins to rain.

Don't cry, 

Dear sky,

We'll be okay.

Though it's a hefty price to pay,

To do the stuff

We know is right,

To not go quite 

Into the night.

You might not have 

To swipe your card

To do the thing

You know is hard.

Now my coffee's reached the end.

Of all the money 

That I spend 

On a weak willed heart

I'm supposed to defend.

This broken clock I try to mend.

All the rules I try to bend.

But there's only so much 

Space in a glass.

5 minutes to pretend 

I'm upper class.

Try to do 

Enough to pass.

But the coffee always disappears.

The warmth will be

Replaced with fears.

Too many rocks 

In a head of gears.

But sometimes time 

Decides to stop.

Times it's in 

A coffee shop.

Sometimes someone sit's across.

And something tell's you,

He's the boss.

He directs his gaze

Straight to my face,

He says, 

"You are not a mistake.

In this time and place.

It's hard to believe,

But you're not lost.

You're my little girl.

And it doesn't cost."

This poem I dug back up from about 9 months ago.  Still feels relevant.

Fighting the Vashta Nerada

A million years ago (5 months and 5 posts ago), I wrote about my villains, namely my fears.  Those villains were: the fear of leaving my comfort zone, the fear of failing, the fear of the dark, and the fear of being alone.  I made posts for my first two fears, which now leads me to my third fear. 

The Fear of the Dark

Clarification:  When I say "the fear of the dark," I'm not just talking about the dark.  Yes.  I am terrified of the dark and I hate turning my light out at night, and I still leap over shadows to avoid them.  But I'm talking about the dark you feel when it's light out, the kind of dark where you can be smiling but your pulse is racing and you can be comfortable but your sweating and everything on the outside is fine but you're dying.   Clear as mud?   (How is mud clear?  Who came up with that?) Let's move on.

This is Cal.  Cal is safe.  She lives with her Dad in a comfortable home.  She also looks strikingly like me when I was 11, appears to be homeschooled and as I just found out, the actress's name is E. Newton.  Hm.  Creepy.

Fact about Cal #1:  her life is normal.  Fact about Cal #2:  She is normal.  When her eyes are open.  Fact about Cal #3:  When she closes her eyes, she's in a library.  A huge library, a library the size of a universe, an abandoned universe.  There is no life on this large, silent planet.  But one day, something infiltrates her library.

"Something's got in, nothing's supposed to get in!"

It's easy to be cocky in a culture that doesn't believe in Satan.  Where almost no one see's demons and most of us have never seen anyone truly demon possessed.  I think Satan loves it.  Not believing in him could do just as much damage as worshiping him.  Because why fight against something that doesn't exist?    

I had this idea that if I had God on my side, how could anything go wrong?  I'm basically invincible. 

Truth is, none of us are invincible.  Satan is here.  And he's going to try everything in his power to make you weak.  Even Jesus was consistently tormented by Satan.

Most of the time (especially here in America) Satan moves subtly and in disguise.  There was a few times in my life however, where he wasn't so subtle in his attacks.

I remember vividly the first night it hit hard.  Thinking; "Something got in, nothing's supposed to get in."  I was paralyzed, I couldn't even move my head.  I was shaking and sweating til my sheets were moist, but I couldn't even lift up an arm to turn on the light.  I couldn't close my eyes, and all I could see were images that made me want to scream.  But I couldn't scream.  

I was hoping it was just a one night thing.  But it continued into the morning and throughout the day and then for two years following.  For some reason horror commercials started to appear frequently in front of me, and things that didn't used to bother me now made me want to throw up.  Even little things made me scared.  I tried to stay closer to groups and noises and light and anything that would distract me, but night time always came.  

I lost my kitty Mulligan at the same time as the fear attacks started, which didn't help.  Those Halloween's were nightmares.  

But really on the outside, everything was fine.  Nothing awful had happened.   My whole family was still together in the same house, I wasn't alone.  So why did I feel alone?  When I would try to explain to someone what was happening, all I could say was, "I'm scared."  And they'd reply, "Of what?"  And I'd say, "Of...Everything."  And they'd laugh.  Because an extroverted stage kid doesn't have fear problems.  

The Doctor:"Almost every species in the universe has an irrational fear of the dark.  But they're wrong.  Cause it's not irrational, it's Vashta Nerada."  

"What's Vashta Nerada?"  

The Doctor:  "It's what's in the dark.  It's what's always in the dark."

The Vashta Nerada lives in the shadows in the library, and feeds on human flesh.  It also happens to be the very place the Doctor and Donna Noble decide to visit (Funny how that works) and this world also happens to live inside a little girls mind.

Cal's Psychiatrist, Doctor Moon, come's to visit her.

Dr. Moon: "The library is real.  There are people trapped in there.  People who need to be saved.  The shadows are moving again.  Those people are depending on you.  Only you can save them."

Two years of being scared of everything and not telling anyone is a little exhausting.  I didn't know why God was letting me be afraid.  I knew he could take away the fear but he wasn't.  What was I doing wrong?

Finally, I was given the strength to turn on my lamp at night, and sit up in my sweaty bed.  I would read the bible and collect verses about peace, and I would read them over and over until I fell asleep. My nightmares were still present, but somehow, while I pounded those verses through the night, it's like they paused, stood back and waited for me to finish reading before harassing me again.  So I kept reading.

Many of the doctors friends the mission have already been eaten by the Vashta Nerada.  Now the shadows are coming for him.  There is no physical way to fight a shadow.  So he defends himself with words.  

"Don't play games with me.  You just killed someone I like, that's not a safe place to stand.  I'm the Doctor, and you're in the biggest library in the universe.  Look me up."

The shadows pause.  

I could curl into a ball and pound my head and scream and cry and none of those things would scare away my fears.  You can't remove a thought without another thought arising.  That would be like a hip replacement without the replacement.

What do I choose to feed my mind throughout the day?  What do I chose to meditate on instead?  What words do I have to repeat, no matter how many times, to push the shadows farther and farther from me?  Truth.  God is truth and God is peace.  There's no recipe, you can shake your fist at Satan all day but if you don't have God's simple words of truth then nothing will change.  I'm not a therapist and I certainly don't have all the answers.  Sometimes we just don't stop being afraid.  But why would Satan put in all that work, all that over time just to make you feel weak, if he didn't know what you were capable of?  

I'm not a therapist and I don't have all the answers, I only speak from my limited experience.  This quote by Levi Lusko sums up this entire point I'm trying to get at, so let's just hear it from him.

                          "Filling your heart with truth causes it to be inhospitable to terror."

"When you run with the Doctor, it feels like it will never end.  But no matter how hard you try, you can't run forever.  Everybody knows that everybody dies and nobody knows it like the Doctor.  But I do think that all the skies of all the worlds might but just turn dark if he ever, for one moment, accepts it.  Everybody knows that everybody dies.  But not everyday.  Not today.  Some days are special.  Some days are so, so blessed.  Some days, nobody dies at all.  Now and then, once in a very long while, everyday in a million days, when the wind stands fair and the Doctor comes to call, everybody lives."    

-River Song   

Even the darkness will not be dark to you.  The night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

Psalms 139:12 

(Now you get to go watch the ending of Doctor Who, Silence in the Library instead of letting me spoil it.  Cheers).

The Lament of the Almost 18

The Lament of the Almost 18

Send me on a merry chase, 

I'll fly on the Tardis to outer space,

I'll travel places never seen,

Just please don't let me turn 18.

I'll put Goliath's head on pike,

I'll yell, "Newsies go on strike!"

I'll go to London to save the Queen,

Just please don't let me turn 18.

I'll fight for good
With my sword of wood,

I'll lay down my life,

When ever I should,

I'll be a crutch for all to lean,

Just please don't let me turn 18.

I told Peter Pan,

I'd never become an adult,

When we went to Never Land,

To begin our revolt.

My cold heart tamed by the Little Prince,

So I traveled with him ever since.

But even Narnia wilted away.

Peter's Wendy couldn't stay.

The Little Prince took his last stand,

To be with his friend in a far away land.

But sometimes you see rules bend.

This is not how stories end.

And perhaps I'll find a way to redeem,

This sad little child who turns 18.

(I wrote this about a month ago, but I'm posting it an hour and forty-five minutes before I'm actually 18.  So it still counts.  I'm still a child).

Fear of Failing (Sequel to "My Villains (Fiction and Non-Fiction)"

My next fear I listed in the post, 'My Villains,' was:  "The Fear of Loosing."  I should have re-worded it to:  "The Fear of Failing."
Moving on.

This is Sully.

Sully works at Monsters Incorporated.  He feels like a personal friend of mine because we spent so much time together when I was young.  From before I could rightly distinguish between reality and fiction.  I kept looking through my closet, yelling "Boo!"  And hoping to find Sully there, but being disappointed to only find my  clothes on hangers.

Here are a few facts about Sully.  1:  He's a hard worker.  2:  He's good at what he does.  In fact, he's the best at what he does.  3:  He struggles against arrogance.  4:  He has a soft spot.

Sully:  *To Randell*  "Hey, may the best monster win!"

Randell:  "I plan to."

This is Lighting Mcqueen 

Here are a few facts about Lighting Mcqueen:  1:  He works hared.  2:  He's good at what he does.  In fact, he's only a rookie and already one of the top three race cars.  3:  He has struggles with arrogance.  4:  He's lonely.

Agent:  "Tell all your friends!"

Lightning:  "Right!  Friends!  Let's see there's...Uh..."

It's easy to bow after a spectacular performance.  Flowers.  Praise.  "Wow!  That was great!  You really have talent!"  And all that jazz.  And it feels good.  It really does.  For a while.

It's a lot harder to bow in mornings.  When you wake up and read all the emails from theaters: "Thank you for auditioning for us, but unfortunately...."  etc. etc. 
It's hard to bow after a fart.  After a completely unspectacular-but-rather-butt-reveling-fall.  After a rejection.  After reading a dramatic show down scene in my book, and realizing every one's laughing because I spelled "Rapped"  instead of "Rapid."  When you say something and your friend's face twitches and you realize you said the wrong thing.  When you're working at an amusement park and realize you accidentally lost the radio in some trash can. 

Levi Lusko says in his book "I Declare War:"

The real bulk of our lives is made up of un-glamorous, un-sexy, un-spectacular opportunities to keep our eyes on Jesus

Glory hurts because glory wasn't made for us.  Glory is God's and God's alone.  Glory leaves me feeling unsatisfied and jealous and angry.  I think that if I work hard enough then I deserve glory.  And then when I work hard with no results, I wonder what I must be doing wrong. But I'm expecting the wrong results.  I've lost sight of my reasons for doing what I do.

More facts about Sully:  He get's stuck in a situation, where if he is caught, he could loose his job.  His winning streak.  His one passion.  He finds a child who has wondered into his world. 

Now, children are dangerous.  They're disease carrying insects.  So not only is his job at stake, but so is his life.  

Mike:  "Why 'Boo?'"

Sully:  "Because that's what I've decided to call her."

Mike:  "You can't name it.  Once you name it, you start getting attached to it!"

Sully decides to make a decision, and it's not the easy decision.  It's the right decision.  He's going to protect Boo instead of the company.

Lightning Mcqueen finds himself in a small town, Radiator Springs, completely away from his supportive fans and fame.  He is forced to fix a road.  He doesn't fix roads.  He races.  He is placed with the lowest of the low.
There, things happen that are beyond his understanding.

He makes a friend.  He fixes the road.  He discovers the old-man, Doc, is actually the famous race car, the Hudson Hornet.

Dock:  "When was the last time you cared about something except yourself, hot-rod?  You name me one time."
Mcqueen makes a choice.  Not an easy choice, but the right choice.  For once in his life, he puts others before himself, before his passions and dreams, and he dedicates himself to re-building Radiator Springs.

Failing is such a selfish term.  Failing is a completely lazy and self-centered decision, and a word that appears quite frequently in my vocabulary.  "Welp, RIP, just failed that."  When a glass breaks, I have the ability to fix it.  But so often I don't.  But fixing requires work.  And it's so much easier to just throw it away.

I have had some bad experiences with a certain collage class.  Getting lost on the first day, then accidentally forgetting to set my alarm.  But one morning I slept through the whole class, because I read the wrong campus email that said that my class was delayed.  I cried and screamed at myself the whole hour long drive to my next class.  "God, I'm trying to do well.  I've slaved over this.  I want to do well.  What's wrong with me?  Why am I this way?  How can you make this better?"

That day I had to do some camera performing for a class and ended up a weeping mess.  I finally got to say the honest words out loud in front of a camera and a bunch of strangers: "I hate myself."

But a quote from Tory Martin came to mind after my spiel on self-loathing.  This was the quote:

Why should we be too proud to dumpster dive when that's what God does all the time?  He uses broken, used up people to carry out his plans.

From that point on God completely turned the day around.  He gave me a hug.  A bunch of hugs.  Because he knows how much I like them.   And someone came up to me to share about their own faith and their own struggles that closely relate to mine.

It's scary to think of how the day could have ended if I didn't let God be involved.

I'm not saying failing isn't real.  Failing is completely possible without God.  But not when Gods involved.  And God can't just be involved, God has to be the center.  Of everything.  Or there is no reason to fix the broken glass and keep going.

At the end of our Lion the Which and the Wardrobe play, cards and books were passed around for cast members to sign and write notes in.  Aslan wrote me a note, that said:

Elemis, don't ever undersell yourself.  You're talent is incredible.  You are a queen.

After writing that, he looked me in the eyes and said, "I meant every word of what I said."

A anonymously written to me once said:

You make me laugh so hard.  I love how beautiful you are even when no ones see's it. It is a blessing to know you.  -You're dear Friend 

The reason these notes really stuck with me is because they were honest.  The next honestly kind thing you say to someone just might get them through the night.

What were the goals of Lighting Mcqueen and Sully at the beginning of the story?  Sully wanted to beat Randell to the top of "Best Scarer"  list.

Lightning Mcqueen wanted to win the Piston Cup.

Neither of them got what they wanted.  But neither of them failed.  They had to decide what was more important to them.  Chasing their dreams?  Or helping others?

The company shuts down.  Sully brings Boo home.

"Nothing's coming through that closet to scare you any more."

Lighting Mcqueen is seconds from winning the Piston Cup, when one of the race cars is thrown off the track, and sits destroyed on the field.  Mcqueen stops, inches away from the finish line.  Chick-Hicks races past him, cheering in his victory.  The crowed is silent.  Lightning Mcqueen backs up, drives to the other race car, and pushes him back onto the track, helping him across the finish line.
Dinoco:  "You just gave up the Piston Cup, you know that?"

Mcqueen:  "Ah, some grumpy old race car once told me, it's just an empty cup."

Love never fails.

1 Corinthians 13:8

 There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan that can succeed against the Lord.  The horse is made ready for battle, but victory rests with the Lord

Proverbs 21: 30-31

When the work exceeds the ideal of the artist, the artist makes scant progress, and when the work falls short of his ideal, it never ceases to improve. 

-Leonardo Da Vinci 

As it is written:  "For your sake we face death all day long.  We are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."  No, in all these things we are more then conquerors through him who loved us.

Romans 8:36-37

The message of the Gospel isn't try, it's trust.

-Levi Lusko 

In Other Words And In Mine

Forgive me. 
I told you I was going to make a post concerning each fear I wrote about a few posts ago.  So far I have written about one.  The others are more difficult for me to discuss, but worth writing about all the same, and I hope to still get to that.

This I drew a week or so ago, when I had no words.  I lose words all the time, I loose words like I lose my sense of direction.  A lot.  And I hate it.  Because I love words.  Maybe I love words too much.  Maybe I'm an addict to words, and I need to fill my mind with something else for those 14 hours a week I spend driving and listening.  Driving and listening.

Sometimes I go numb, and I have nothing.  I hate being numb.  I'd much rather be in pain.  Pain amplifies beauty in a way.  Numbness amplifies nothing.  Nothing's ugly, but nothing's beautiful either.  Like that time warp the main character in Interstellar got stuck in.  And it's hard to get out.

At least songs and words give subtitles to my thoughts, my thoughts I can't think.  Sometimes to understand I can't use my own words.  So I drew this and wrote down all the words that randomly came to mind, creating a college of my general state of mind.

A few of the quotes:

Don't let it go, don't give up the ghost.  While staring at the moon and the sun, trying to remember where we came from.

-Phillip Phillips 

I'm forced to deal with what I feel.  There is no distraction to mask what is real.

-Twenty one pilots 

Feeling my way through the darkness, guided by a beating hart.  I can't tell where the journey will end, but I know where it starts.

-Avicii

What's my problem?  Well, I want you to follow me down to the bottom underneath the insane asylum, keep your wits about you while you got 'em 'cause your wits are first to go while you're problem-solving.

-Twenty one pilots 

I've been trying to find the light on my own, apart from you.  I am the king of excuses.  I've got one for every selfish thing I do.

-DC Talk 

One more day we'll spend together.  Lay your eyes, look upon me for the better.  Oh I know I'm worse for weather, but my love I wont give in.

-Imagine Dragons 

All my life, I've been wondering where you've been.  There were holes in you, the kind that I could not mend.  And I heard you say, right when you left that day, does everything go away?  But I'm gonna be here till I'm nothing, so just call when you're around.

-Radical Face

We live and we die.  Like fire works we pull apart the dark, compete against the stars with all of our hearts, till our temporary brilliance turns to ash.  We pull apart the darkness while we can.

-Sleeping at Last

If you only listen with your ears, I can't come in.

-Radical Face

If I'm crazy, I'm on my own.  If I'm waiting, it's on my throne.  If I sound lazy just ignore my tone, because I'm always gonna answer when you call my phone like "what's up danger."

-Blackway and Black Caviar 

There's a rhythm and rush these days, where the lights don't move and the colors don't fade.  Leaves you empty with nothing but dreams, in a world gone shallow, in a world gone lean.

-Jose Gonzalez

Just to be with you, I'd do anything.  Yes, I'd give my life away.

-Third Day

There comes a point in my sad little basement blogging life where I hold back writing for so long that I begin to feel sick.

But two nights ago, I found words.

When it comes to poetry, I can't sit down and write it like I write Domino.  My novel is like my dog.  I call my dog, and my dog comes.  My poems are like cats.  I can call all I want and they wont come, darn them.  I come when they call.  Like my cat, poem's know when I'm sad, and they'll appear when I'm not expecting them.

Hearing Lights, Seeing Sound 

Try to hear with lights,

Try not to fear my fights, 

My rights, 

These hights,

Too far,

Too far to fall,

Or maybe I can't hear you call.

Maybe I can't hear at all.

I fear the dark 

But I work at night.

Not enough outlets

For my night lights.

It's hard to be bold 

When I stand in the cold 

Too old,

Not old,

Not twenty one,

Some liar told me

That this would be fun.

God, 

Wake me up when it's all done.

Wake up,

Corrupt,

This shallow mind,

Address it to Mars and have it signed.

How many me's does it take to change,

A hallway light

Of basic range.

Call it strange.

I call it mad.

But give it a smile and shirt of plaid.

Bye Buddy, 

Hope you find your Dad.

Could I be depressed,

Or merely sad?

Close my eyes 

And plug my ears,

If the answer randomly appears

Beneath the skin of all my fears,

Among the bottles 

That hold my tears.

I'm not satisfied to be insane.

Break my skull 

To fix my brain.

If you do it yourself, 

Then I'll refrain,

But do it where my blood will drain.

Carpet stain.

I hate the pain.

But I hate the chain.

Set me free

From anxiety,

Apart from a melting society,

From what they think.

The moment I blink,

The more I shrink.

Can't waist a beat.

You've given me feet.

A cup holder for coffee

In the passenger seat.

Give me the sort of eyes that hear

Above the glamour of my fear.

Give me the sort of ears that see,

Exactly what's 

In front of me.

Burning Paper Walls

SPOILER ALERT:  This blog post contains movie spoilers.  But you haven't watching these films, for goodness sakes, you probably deserve it.

A man named Truman lives in a perfect neighbor hood.  Everyone dresses perfect and acts perfect.  He is safe and comfortable and happy and has everything he needs and wants. 

Facts about Truman:  1:  His father drowned.  2:  He's terrified of the water.  3:  He wants to leave.

And everything in his perfect life compiles against him to make sure that he stays where he's happy and comfortable.

Little Truman:  "I want to be an explorer!"

Teacher:  *Pulling down a map* "Oh, you're too late.  Everything's been explored."

Captain McCrea lives on a Space Ship with the rest of humanity.  The earth got too trashed, it was too hard to clean, so they left it for a better life.  Here on the space ship he is safe, comfortable, and has everything he needs to be happy.  No one has to move.  No one has to work.  All is safe and convenient.  

A few facts concerning Captain McCrea:  1:  He has a fascination with plant life.  2:  He wants to go back to earth.  3:  Going back to earth is strictly prohibited...By the dweeb who programmed the space ship.

I am not the one to be making this blog post.  I'm in the same ship as these men.  (All the pun intended).  But even worse, I lie.  I have so much fun acting fearless.  Doesn't matter if I'm a bad actress.  If I deceive myself , then I have succeeded. 

I lie to myself, 

Saying I do the best that I can, 

Shrug it off, 

Like it ain't nothing, 

Like it's out of my hands, 

And get ticked off when ever I see it affecting my plans.

-NF

Laziness grows on me like fungus.  It boils me at medium heat until I'm asleep, then grows hotter, and hotter.  

Comfort says, "It's your choice that matters."  

Comfort says, "Do what makes you happy.  That's what matters."  When someone hurts my feelings, I like hurting them.  That makes me happy.  And it's my happiness that matters, right? 

You can kill your unborn child.  But it's okay, because it's your choice.  Because you're choosing a more comfortable life for yourself.  Right?

Well what if doesn't matter.  What if it makes you more comfortable, but it just.  Doesn't.  Matter.

Not all comfort is bad.  It's submitting to comfort, serving comfort, becoming a slave to comfort that will kill you.  

I sleep with stuffed animals and I love tea and fuzzy blankets and movies.  And none of those things are bad.  But none of those things give me true comfort either.

I love friends.  I love compliments.  I love hugs.  I love reassurance.  I love feeling accepted.  All good things.  But none of these things leave me with true comfort.

I love God.  Before God created the universe, he thought, "You know what?  I'm going to make a Dr. Elemis Pott."  And that comforts me.  He didn't look down years later and says, "Woops!  Where'd she come from?  Did I make that?"  

God gives me purpose.  Purpose gives me hope.  Hope gives me comfort.  And God is the God of comfort.  That's the only comfort that matters, the only thing I'm actually lost without.  

I was talking to a friend yesterday, about how it's when we think we're so good with people when God sticks us in a group and situation where we are most uncomfortable.  And usually, that's exactly where he needs us.

In Ecuador, I was watching little kids.  This was my happy zone.  I didn't have to speak their language.  We just kicked around empty cans, made sure no one died and had a jolly o'l time.  That's why I went on this trip. 

Description:  Need someone energetic and playful to watch kids during the medical check ups and gospel sharing.  Ha!  That's something I can do!

But one morning, our team leader came up to us and said, "We need someone else to come and evangelize."  

And I heard myself say, "Sure, okay."  While everything else in my body screamed against me.  I was sat down in front of an 81 year old lady and told to share the gospel with a pencil and paper.  I remember turning to my translator and asking, "Cool...How do I...Do it?"

"Chat a bit, share your testimony and then share the gospel."

"Oh ya.  Cool.  My...Testimony..."

I had to repeat this about five more times.  It was probably the most embarrassing moments of my life.  If I had said something offensive and gotten assassinated, I wouldn't have minded too much.

I repeated the process once more that day, this time with a young boy about my age.  After my gappy-stuttery-awkward-pause-infected-cartoon-illustrated version of the gospel story, the boy accepted Christ into his heart...

I spent my lunch break in the outdoor bathroom composed of slabs of metal and wood, crying like a baby and saying, "God, that was miserable.  But if you want me to, I'll do it again."

I'm weak as rubbish.  But as my Little Bro Man once illustrated, "The less we make of ourselves, the more room God has to work."

Our comfort zones will kill us, or kill others, or both.  Little decisions to be lazy create a foundation that encases you in a coffin of warmth.

Truman's artificial world is surrounded by water, in attempted to keep him contained in his home town by fear. 

One day, Truman's "Friend" (an actor in his TV show who acts as his friend) is sent by the Director to go to Truman's house.  His friend, after searching the house, breaks character, turns to the hidden TV camera and says, "He's gone!"

Truman is on a boat, sailing away.  The Director, in shock, goes to drastic measures to make Truman sail back.  He sends a human made storm, nearly drowning him on live television.  Truman get's up.  Dumps the water out of his boat, and keeps sailing. 

Then, Truman hits the wall.  The end of his makeshift world.  Now, the director has no choice but to tell Truman that his life was a TV show.  That he had attempted to create a world that was free of worry, free from darkness, free from evil.  Truman stands at the exit door, turns to face the audience, and says, 

"And if I don't see you again, good afternoon, good morning and goodnight."  He bows.  And leaves.  Truman wins.

.   

Captain McCrea is told that there is no life on earth.  This is proven wrong.

He makes his decision.  He's going home.  The only problem is, he has to battle the will of his Otto pilot, who has taken over the ship.  This is not a difficult task for Otto.  It's a space ship against a jelly man who doesn't even have the strength to stand.

Captain McCrea is thrown to the ground.  The battle is lost.

Until the Captain stands.  And the flubbery audience goes wild.  McCrea wins.

"I don't want to survive!  I want to live!"

-Captain McCrea

And as we danced among the ashes of our lives, 

We laughed it off.

And as burned our tiny worlds

And found the ocean just beyond

Those paper walls.

-Radical Face, the Ship in Port 

Now everybody's gonna die, 

Don't everybody live though.

-NF, Oh Lord

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

-James 1:12

My Villains (Non-Fiction)

My name is Dr. Elemis Pott and I have lots of enemies.  You'd know them if you knew me.  I'd know them if I knew me as well.  Therefore, I write this blog post to become better acquaint with them.  Because villains make stories better.  You need to know the bad-guy order to know who to fight.

A lot of my antagonists are all linked by the main villain:  Fear.  Antagonists aren't the villain.  Antagonists can simply be things that get in the way of the hero's goal.

Let's use characters we may already know to better understand our relationship with the enemies.  (We're talking to our self now.  Let's call it 5th person perspective, for lack of the actual term).  And we're going to use lot's of examples from movies.  And Pixar.  Because Pixar is wise and it helps us understand our life better.
Our villains are as follows:

Fear

The Fear of Leaving Comfort Zone

Auto from Wall-E

Christof from the Truman Show 

The Fear of Losing 

Randell from Monsters Inc. 

Chick Hicks from Cars 

The Fear of the Dark 

Vashta Nerada from Doctor Who:  Silence in the Library 

The Fear of Losing People/Being Alone 

Lots-O from Toy Story 3

Mal from Inception 

These are only a few of them.  

My fears are still fears and my villains are still villains.  I don't have the answer on how to get rid of them.  Dora says that all you have to do is say, "Swiper no swiping!" three times, and they'll go away.  But I don't have an answer like that.

This blog post has taken me days to write because I have tried to write a conclusion.  I hate not concluding things.  Unfortunately, I can't find any one answer on how to destroy my villains.  Because they've been apart of me for almost 18 years now and may be with me until I kick the bucket.  I don't have the power and authority to wipe them from existence, but I've been given the power to fight them through God.  I've been given the choice to keep punching Satan, or to not.  I don't know much about defense against the enemy, but know some, and what I do know would take too long to write out in one post.  So I will attempt to write a post dedicated to each fear, and my methods on kicking them.  If your antagonists are similar to mine, please continue to read, and let me know what your own thoughts are on kicking Satan. 

Wimpy bad guys make wimpy stories.  If you think your life isn't interesting, perhaps you need to become better acquainted with your villains.  Beware when you don't think you have anything to fight, I believe that's one of Satan's favorite ways to destroy people, by trying to convince us of his non-existence. 

"It is funny how mortals always picture us as putting things into their minds: in reality, our best work is done by keeping things out"

-C.S Lewis, the Screwtape Letters 

  

31 Things

"I don't want to survive, I want to live!"

-Pixar, Wall-E 

Here are a few highlights on what Dr. Elemis Pott did in 2018:

1.  In a few classes and a few dozen fails, Dr. Elemis Pott learned how to and how not to audition for theater 

2.  Performed her first musical as a Whickersham Brother in Seussical.

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened 

-Dr. Seuss 

3.  Performed in Little Women as Jo March

"I'm not good for much, I know, but I'll stand by you Jo, all the days of my life.  Upon my word I will!"

-Little Women 

4.  Dr. Elemis Pott learned how to perform one break dance move.

5.  Went to Ecuador for ten days.

The ship in port is the safer one, but that's not the reason it was made 

-Radical Face

6.  She ate donkey 

7.  Played soccer, evangelized, gave eye tests, and did other things Dr. Elemis Pott has no idea how to do

7.  Got her drivers license

8.  Spent a majority of this year in the car.

Faith is to be awake, and to be awake is for us to think, and for us to think is to be alive, and I will try with every rhyme to come across like I am dying to let you know you need to try to think.

-Twenty One Pilots, Car Radio 

9.  Failed her first drivers license test 

10.  Almost got into five car accidents BUT DIDN'T.

11.  Got lost 48 times in 4 months 

I'm NOT sucking my thumb

12.  Watched several friends graduate 

13.  Watched several friends move

14.  Lived alone with some dogs and fish and snakes and birds for about 6 weeks out of the year. 

15.  Started a You Tube channel while living alone.

16.  Went to One Year Adventure Novel Summer Workshop. 

From the ashes, a fire shall be woken.  A light from the shadow shall spring.  Renewed shall be blade that was broken.  The crownless again shall be king.

-The Lord of the Rings 

17.  Met Tory Martin.  Had many great talks with him.  He gave Dr. Elemis Pott a movie and book of his as a gift before he left, to which Dr. Elemis Pott responded with a happy dance and a few tears.

18.  Accomplished another swing dance performance with more areals.

19.  Wrote for 2-3 hours a day throughout the summer 

20.  Got a job in a kitchen 

21.  Traveled alone 4 times.  Got lost in the air port only 3 times.

22.  Won 2nd place in an art contest 

23.  Went to Creede with some dear friends and climbed a mountain.

Adventure is out there 

-Pixar, Up

24.  Went on a road trip to the east coast and Canada 

25.  Saw Niagra Falls 

26.  Went to the Bible Museum in DC and tormented a pharisee.

27.  Broke the car in Nebraska 

Dr. Elemis Pott in the back of the tow truck 

"One loves the sunset when one is so sad."

-The Little Prince  

28.  Rubbed a soft-serve ice cream in my arm pits and drove home with it on my head.



















29.  Started college.
30.  Performed in Robin Hood.  (unfortunately I have no pictures, but it was probably one of the best events of this year).
31.  Performed in Mountain Rep. Theater's Christmas play.

Honestly, none of these things were what made this year amazing.  A bunch of little things made this year amazing.  I wish I could list them all.  In fact, I've been re-writing this over and over trying to find the right way to put it. 

It was a bunch of random people who did a bunch of random little things that made this year great, I guess.  I have a hard time remembering big things, probably because my mind is small.  This blog post took 6 hours to write because I had to dig through note books and calendars and pictures to remember what I did this year.  But I remember all the little things.  Beautiful people do beautiful things they might not even remember, because beautiful people don't do things for show or attention.  Most of these people I only had a short time with.  

But whether they know it or not, they helped me in overcoming my anger issues, they helped me get to know Gods character better, and they make me want to do everything I can to be a beautiful person too.

Happy 2019.  

Happy birthday, dear blog.