There are Two Sides to This

I still remember this happening to me several times when I was little, kind of like when you have a dream and think, "I've had this dream several times before."
What would happen is I would black out, freeze, I would forget who I was and what life was.  It was as if time it self stopped.  I really don't how long these episodes would last, maybe a few seconds.  I sweat now just thinking about them.  All I would see is layers and layers of black.  I would try my hardest to remember who I was, what I was, where I was, but I couldn't.  I tried to remember was life was, what my regular thought pattern was, what I should be thinking, but I couldn't remember.  Sometimes it would be so intense I wouldn't even remember I had a family.  It was like spinning in black space.
And I would wake up, and everything would be back to normal.  And I would continue about my day, like one would after a silly dream.  Wouldn't even remember it.  Didn't tell anyone about it.  Couldn't tell anyone about it.  I mean, how could I?
Three year old comes up to you and says, "I just took a four second trip outside of reality"
It doesn't work.

And it happened to me again last night.
And now I might be able to express myself.
Only right after I had the black out, my heart started to pulsate.  I don't know why.  Without words, something told me;
I'm gonna die tonight.
Spoiler alert; I didn't die last night.  There was no logical reason that even came to mind.
Then why was I seeing death?  Everywhere? My life didn't flash before my eyes, death flashed before my eyes.
This is stupid, I thought.  And even if I was randomly going to die, what would it matter?  I would go heaven, be with God.  I've said so many times before in my life:  I'm not afraid of death.
Then the feeling drew in deeper and deeper, and it became so intense I had chills and nausea.  I sat up in bed and turned my light and tried to think.  I felt like I was going to vomit.  I wanted to cry and run to my Mom's room like I would when I was three.
I lied to you.  I'm not brave.  I don't trust God.  And I'm afraid of death.

God speaks to me through writing.  I wrote for hours last night.

See, death is everywhere.  We're all gonna die.  We all push it away.  Death is our curse.
But God broke death.  Death isn't the ending point, death is the starting point.  Death is when you flip the page, and turn to chapter 1.
Ever seen the movie Inception?  What if I told you that this world isn't real?  Well, as far as I know I'm pretty sure this world is at least kinda real.  But this is just the prologue.  This isn't the real story.  We look around us and think, "Yes.  This is reality." But what if it's just a blurry picture of real reality?

I have a funny little picture in my head of heaven.  It's puffy and white, with a big throne and a golden gate and some opera singers in the back round.
And I have a picture of what I think is reality.  And that's with my family, with my friends, at my homes, with my pets and my coffee, where I feel loved, where I'm comfortable.
I like my picture of reality much better then my picture of heaven.  I see my world as real, and I see heaven as a dream.
I switch them.
And suddenly it makes sense.
I don't want to leave my family.  I'm not leaving my family.  Don't you see?  I can't leave them.  The feeling of family, of comfort, of home, THAT'S WHO GOD IS!!!! 
That's what eternal life is!
That's what heaven is!
We have such a faded, blurry, confusing image of family and comfort and love here on earth.  We don't leave that behind  when we go to heaven.  We don't leave anything behind when we go to heaven except sin.  When we go to heaven, that's where we'll find it!!!
God is all perfect love.  The basis of morality.  God is family.  God is home.  God is everything we need and all we need and too great and beyond the scope of our plastic little minds to understand.  There is no way I can even begin to explain this to you.  My mind can't grasp it.  If God could be explained in text, he would small and pathetic.

But right now, we're on earth.  My sister told me a quote from some joe I've never met and can't recall the name of.  But he said, "Live how you want to die."
That's the more brutal version of the quote you hear all the time; "Live your life to the fullest."

I'm gonna die.  We're all gonna die.  Probably sometime soon.  But death doesn't have anything to do with it.  Really, there are only two sides to this.
This side, and that side.
This isn't chapter one.  This is the prologue.  I need to be ready for chapter one.

(Jeremy Camp: There Will be a Day, and NF: Oh Lord)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CPKyTY71iRM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0NOxf4uaZI

Speech! Speech!

Me:  Hello self.  I'm just here to wish you a happy sweet 16th.  May all your wishes come true, and remember to always be you!💓 

Self:  Aw, how cute!  It even rimes!  That almost made me regurgitate.  

Me:  You're welcome.  It came from the heart.

Self:  Of course.  

Me:  I also brought you a cake.

Self:  Wow.  Thanks, Me.  You're just on a roll today.

Me:  Aren't I?  First I would like to thank everyone for coming.  *Caps and cheers*  Yes, yes, thank you, thank you.  So Self, may I first take a moment to say a few words?

Self:  *Sits  back in chair with coffee* Alright, Me.  Take it away.  I'm all ears.

Me:  What.  The.  Blaze.  

*Standing ovation, chaps and cheers, the crowed goes wild.  Audience is sniffling, wiping tears, and throwing flowers*

Self:  Wait, that your speech?

Me:  I just said I wanted to say a few words.

Self:  That was my birthday speech ?  

Me: ....Yes.

Self: And now this will go down in history as the words dedicated to me on my sweet 16th birthday party?

Me:  Well, frankly, they were the only words I could possibly come up with. You must understand that I dedicated this a lot of contemplation.

Self:  Well why are you throwing me a birthday party any way?  This doesn't make any sense.  Not only is it not my birthday today, but even if it were my birthday it would be your birthday too!

Me:  Well obviously!

Self:  Then WHAT THE BLAZE ARE WE DOING HERE?!?

Me:  Ah, now you understand my speech!

Self:  I didn't say I understood your speech. I said 'what the blaze.'

Me:  My thoughts exactly.

Self:  ...Ooooh, okay.  Well then, Me.  Because you have so thoughtlessly decided to through me a birthday party, it seems only suitable that I return the favor.  Happy Birthday Me!!

Me:  *GASP*  For Me???  Oh Self, you shouldn't have!

Self:  I know.  Today is that special day.  That day where the whole family gathers around you and your wax infested cake and sing 'the agony quartet'.  Then Calvin blows out your candles first, along with a shower of excess saliva.  When was the last time we blew out our own birthday candles?

Me:  Hm.  I don't remember.  Do I get...A Cake or a present something?

Self:  Why do they call it Sweet 16?  

Me:...Well I'm not entirely aware of the relevance of this question, but I think we can conclude that the title's purpose was invented to stamp some kind of significance involved with the age.

Self:  Why?  What's so significant about being 16?

Me:  Well, I believe once you turn 16, that means you've survived long enough to figure out how to not be overly stupid.  It's like a life test.  If you live long enough to make 16, then you're rewarded.  Like, for some pools, this means that you can now get in the hot tub without parental supervision.  The accomplishments and opportunities are limitless!

Self:...Wow.  Well then.  Congratulations, Me.  Definition of Sweet 16: Congratulations.  You're not dead.  You old enough to drown in the hot tub if you want.

Me: *Puts hand to heart* Aw, my little Self is growing up!  *Crowd wipes tears*

Self:  And what about dudes?

Me:  What about dudes?  Don't say you're looking of a boy friend!  You're not THAT limitless!

Self:  What?  No.  If I were looking for a boy friend, I would have made an advertisement for one already and posted it on this blog.  Haha!  that would be crazy.  *Crowd laughs*  No, I mean, you don't say 'Happy Sweet 16' to a dude, because that just sounds sissy.  (Unless you're a mother or something).  So what do guys get?

Me:  Uuuhh.......Happy Sweat 16?

Self:  *Takes a moment to ponder* Hmm...Alright.  Fare enough.

Me:  Well, what are some of our accomplishments?

Self:  Pardon? 

Me:  We've lived this long, we should have some accomplishments and bragging rights, yes?

Self:  Oh yes!  Of course.  *COUGH* *COUGH* Well.  To begin with, I can perform a flawless old man getting punched impression.  *Caps and cheers* I've been found in the men's room with very sad consequences three times.

Me:  Ah yes, not a lot of people can say that, indeed.  And I managed to get lost.  In the smallest town in the world.  That you've been through a billion times.  That was quite an accomplishment.

Self:  I've accomplished the three person shoulder angle.  Although that wasn't really me...And I forgot how we got down from that...

Me:  I've fallen through the ice once.  And been in my first car accident.  I killed all my friend's pet fish once when I was taking care of them...

Self:  I jumped over a balcony and landed on my face.  With the rest of me thrown over my face in a very killer position.

Me: Wow.  We have a lot of bragging rights.  I'm afraid to continue, our audience might get jealous.

Self::  Ah, but we've never fainted.

Me:  Dang it, you had to remind me!  The one new years goal I have yet to accomplish.

Self:  Man, this whole sweet 16 thing is really making me feel good, you know?  So old.  Mature.  Accomplished.  So many lovely opportunities.

Me:  Like the hot tub privileged?

Self:....Yup.  Were there any others?...

Me: ...

Self:  ...

Me:  Well, good talk. 

Self::  Thanks for the party, Me.  Maybe we could do this again on my actual birthday.

Next up on Critical Me: The Lego Batman Movie, and Arrival

The Lego Batman Movie 

Well, I mean, it was extremely funny although you were probably already expecting that.  If you thought the Lego Movie was funny or share a deep appreciation for dumb little boy humor, you will laugh during this movie.  And if you did not think that the Lego Movie was funny and don't share a deep appreciation for dumb little boy humor, you will laugh during this movie.

The Lego Batman is about Batman's basic life style (in a spoof-y honest way) but mostly focused on the character, his loneliness, deep dark secrets, and being faced by his greatest fear; relationships.

Plot was...Honestly I don't even remember the plot.  I'm not sure there was a plot.  That also means I didn't find anything wrong with it.  But it was entertaining and exciting (and hysterical) and very emotional.  For me any way, I rate emotion and humor and entertainment above plot.  This movie was almost completely built on those things.

Characters were fantastic.  Well developed.  Lovable.  Only character I didn't adore as much was the female character, whom I felt was too much like Wild Style from the Lego Movie, which weakened her character development and made her less special.  But she was necessary and funny.  Tolerable I suppose.

Only other thing I don't think I liked was perhaps a repeat or two of the same joke. 

I'm giving a special round of applause to Robin.

And not only was this movie exhausting in humor, it was also heart wrenching-ly emotional.

Warning!  Expect some tears.  And don't drink soda while you watch this.  You never know something will sneak up on you, and if you're taking a drink at the same time, the results could be hurtful.

On a scale from 1 to 10, I would the Lego Batman a 9

Arrival 

Emotional.  Silent.  Although it was about Aliens, it wasn't so much action as it was gripping, clever, and incredibly well developed in plot.

In Arrival, alien ships land on earth in very random locations, and interpreters work with the government to go into one of the ships and try to communicate with the aliens.
Although the main idea sounds simple enough, the details of the plot were incredibly thought through and mind blowing.  I wouldn't be able to summarize it for you.
Acting was good.  I thought they had a very interesting line up of actors that I would have never thought of for the roles, but did well and made the movie even more unique.  Seriously, who would have thought Giselle and Hawkeye?
Very emotional.  Had a great plot twist.  Had an ending I might compare to Inception if you have ever seen that.  Twas quite sobering.
There's actually not much more to say.
On a scale from one to ten, I would give Arrival a 9

The Oodakadoobody

My fellow Poets, you know somethings wrong when your best poem in months is about an Ooodakadoobody.  I have nothing further to say.  

The Oodakadoobody 

Hello.

My name is Oodakadoobody.

You've probably never heard of me.

I live in the dark, I'm hard to see.

Underground, 

In the shadows of a tree.

It seems you shouldn't be afraid of me,

For there's nothing much I do.

I lay in the dark and drink my tea,

I read my books, 

I count to three,

And wish on who I want to be.

But the thing about me, 

The Oodakadoobody,

The nobody, 

The wanna be,

Is I can make you flee.

You look at me 

And what you see,

Is a little too much emotionally.

Perhaps not all that socially.

I'm the child of monstrosity.

I'm the molder of calamity.

I tremble with insanity.

I'm the result of perfect love,

My King is reining up above.

I'm that thing that's in between.

In the middle of everything,

In the shadows unseen.

In between armies,

In the desert serene, 

Therefore I'm very hard to be seen.

But the thing about being in between, 

Is that I could make peace.

I could make conflict cease.

But instead, I'm the beast.

Or nothing short of that at least.

My name is Oodakadoobody.

And I'm a bit of a nodody.

I live in the dark,

I'm hard to see,

Just reading my books and drinking my tea,

And dreaming of who I want to be.

Next up on Critical Me: La La Land, Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children, and the Space Between us.

La La Land 

I've never seen a musical that was realistic.

I enjoyed all of the music, with an exception to a bad singer or two.  Dancing was beautiful.  Dragged on a bit too long at points, but beautiful non the less.  If you're not a fan of musicals, don't worry, there was more story then music and dancing.  They kept it light and enjoyable.

La La Land was about two people who were both down in the dumps, but had big plans for their future, and the results of their meeting.

Plot was simple.  The movie was more focused on character, emotion and theme then it was plot, although the plot was realistic and well thought through.

The first thing that gripped me was the acting.  The actors were fantastic.

The dialogue was gripping and thought provoking.

High on emotion.

Had a very unique, colorful, and yet melancholy style that caught my interest.

Romance was....Romance.  No more.  No less.  The story could not have been a story without it, and it was done very well.  But if you don't like romance, there is chance you will not like this movie.

PG13 warning, mostly for cussing and some...mush.

On a scale from 1 to 10, I would give La La Land an 8.

Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children 

And this is Asa Butterfield.

I just thought you wouldn't be able to see him very well form the first picture, and I wouldn't want you to miss out......Yes.
Any way.
M.P.H.F.P.C is the story about a group of children all with rather odd and creepy quirks that make them unable to live normally in the out side world.  (And do you know how hard it is to type out that title?  Give me a break).
I appreciated the rather odd style and creativeness that gave it a creepy, thought provoking twist.  But in general, the plot was weak, cliche, and unmemorable.
Characters were lovable, and the brilliant choice of actors and actresses amplified their loveliness.  A disappointing factor to this though, was that the more important the characters, (Main character, love interest, bad guy) were the less lovable and well developed of the bunch.  Which dulled my interest in the story.
Diolouge was so-so.  Had some moments of praise, and some corny catch phrases.
Romance was bad.  I'm not even going to try to be merciful here.  The romance had nothing memorable, unique, or enjoyable about it.  As far I remember, it didn't even move the plot forward at all.
The parts of this movie that kept me enjoying it were 1: Asa Butterfield, 2: the side characters, and 3: the fact that the main character was not a perfect shot on his first try with a cross bow.  Do you know how reliving that is?
PG13 warning!  For slight cussing, and scary disturbing elements.
On a scale from 1 to 10, I would give M.P.H.F.P.C a 6.

The Space Between Us 

And here's Asa Butterfield.  Again.

I thought maybe you didn't get a very good look at him the first time...So...
(There are not a lot of guys that I find beautiful.  But seriously man!)
Back on tack and completely focused.
I walked into Space Between us with low expectations, and came out quite surprised and emotional.
It was about a kid born on Mars, who ventures to earth, despite the fact that his body cannot handle earth's system, resulting in his life at risk.
Plot was creative, but gappy and not very well developed.  Had a good twist at the end though.
Character were well developed.  I wasn't a fan of the female character, on account of her corny-white girl-teen-with-an-attitude cleche, but she was well developed and a good actress non the less, and by the end of the movie I grew more attached to her.
Romance was so-so.  About as good as it get's with a mushy teenage romance, which isn't very good.  If the romance was under control, I would have enjoyed this movie so much more.  What kept me enjoying it as much as I did, was the main character and his unique lovableness, and the fact that the dialogue was good.  So much of the dialogue refrained from cheesy love catch phrases, and more unexpected things that gripped me and poked my emotions.
Humor was well done.  I laughed aloud more then once.
Again, I loved this movie most for the emotion.
PG13 Warning!  For....................What you might expect in mushy teenage romance.
On a scale from 1 to 10, I would give the Space Between us an 8.

$Wanted!!$

WANTED!!

Boy Friend for Dr. Elemis Pott!

Dead or Alive!  

(But preferably alive).

Dr. Elemis Pott is now hiring for the position of Boy-Friend.  At times like this, it is crucial that Dr. Elemis Pott finds a willing employee and hard worker for the job.  Please read the following descriptions and guide lines and fill out an application if you feel you are the one for the job.  Or, keep an eye out and contact me if  find him.

Description:  

Must be tall, in order that he can read menus above the counter, and reach things on high shelves.  Only exception to this rule is if he is a Hobbit.  And if he is a Hobbit but none of these other things, I will have him any way.

A six pack is preferable.  

Must dedicate at least 5 minute to his hair.  Must not dedicate more then 5 minutes to his hair.

NO mustaches.

Must be able to drive.

Must be able to drive and like my jams.

Must be able to drive, like my jams, and sing in the car with me.

Must be able to drive, like my jams, sing in the car with me, and take me to Chick-fill-a on a regular bases.

NO country singers.

Must like Cats.

Must not be able to get embarrassed easily.  This is a necessity for anyone who spends time with Dr. Elemis Pott.

Must like necklaces and Star Wars in order to wear the other of these necklaces with me:

I accept:  Alligator Tacklers, Ninjas, Spys, Russian assassins, super hero's, Time Travelers, Scientists, Detectives, and Hobbits.

NO Cow Boys.

Application of Employment:

Last name:                     Age:           

Foot size           Hair size              Mouth size                    Eye size   

Ear size              Arm size             Hand size            Self size      

How many abs do you have?          

Do you have a problem with having giant portraits of Blob Fish on the wall?  Yes         No     

Can you dance?  Yes       No    

If yes, send a video of you dancing.

If I said something like, "What about second breakfast?"  Would you be able to place the reference?  Yes       No    

If I broke out into singing and dancing in front of a crowed, on a scale from one to ten, how greatly would you be embarrassed?  (10 being:  You would die.  And 1 being:  You would join me).

       

Do you like cats?  Yes       No   

If I were to end up in jail, would you bail me out or would you be in jail with me?                      

Country music is the best.  True        False    

This blog is the best.  True        False     

On a scale from one to ten, rate your emotion level.       

On a scale from one to ten, rate your sarcasm level.        

Do you have an accent?  Yes      No   

Is it an Irish accent?  Yes       No     

Can Geico really save 30% or more on car insurance?  Yes       No   

Are you irritated yet?  Yes      No    

Please drop in an application.  You just might be the one!

Otherwise, be on the look out!

2000,000 Dollar reward for any one who finds him!

Emotion Machine

I played the part of Lydia Bennett recently in a Pride and Prejudice play.  I thought I'd love to play the character.  She's spunky.  Funny.  Stuck up.
And I hated playing her.
How come?  I feel too much.  Ever been around someone who's company you don't particularly enjoy, and think to your self, "Man, does this person even have a soul?"
That's what it was like, hanging out with Lydia Bennett, trying to get into her head, trying to be her.  Trying vomit out all this energy that I just didn't have.  The more I played her, the more my soul resisted her.  I felt so plastic on stage, it was exhausting.
I wrote this poem on my way to play practice one day;

Emotion Machine 
I can't handle this shallow plastic.
I can't smile and make it fantastic.
Your soul is built on a flimsy mirror,
Maybe if you felt more,
You could see through it clearer.
I'm rooted down in stone cement,
I taste the cracks when I need to repent.
I roots are growing,
Without you knowing.
Talking with you is like talking with dirt,
Spare me your selfies, 
I cringe when you flirt.
Your wondering why I can't act like you?
You're so unreal.
You haven't a clue.
Look in my head, 
And what do you see?
It's the deepest, darkest place you will be.
Too many feelings and not enough rimes.
I'm the emotion machine.
I'll say it a million times.
It's all I can do not to scream,
There's too much inside, 
Too much to dream.
I can't act like you,
Can't even try to.
You're just too fake.
Its turning a brick into a snow flake.
It just hardens me more for goodness sake.
Not saying I'm perfect, 
I'm nothing clean,
But I feel,
And it's real,
I'm the emotion machine.

My adrenaline was high on performance night.  And stress level.  And emotion level.  Twas my last performance, my good-bye-to-Lydia, so I gave it my all.
Throughout all four months of practice, I struggled to get into Lydia's head.  Then suddenly, performance night, she came to me:

I just came home to visit after getting married.  The first of my sisters to get married.  The excitement and pride of the moment was so intense it blinded me, but I could stop thinking about my family.  I entered the house in all my mature-married-woman glory, and oh my family's faces were delightful!  So much envy, for me!  Who would have thought?  It was the best day ever.
Then it was time to leave.
Suddenly everything crashed down around me.  Not just my husbands chair when he stood up, but my world.  I didn't want to go.  I wanted to stay.  With my family.  With this moment.  I couldn't leave, not now, I didn't want my husband, I didn't care about him, I wanted...I couldn't bring my self to say it.  And Kitty.  What about Kitty?  Life was dull without Kitty.  Even superior married life.
I didn't say goodbye.  I couldn't even look at them.  I especially did not look at Kitty.  When Mother said, "Write often" I replied, "Married Women never have much time for writing.  My sisters may write me, they'll have noting better to do."  As my mind screamed, write me.  PLEASE write me.
And just like that, I exited stage left and that was the end of my time with Lydia.
And the audience didn't even know what was going on inside my head.
Why do I do this to myself?

Sometimes I wonder why I do the things I do.  Why do I act?  Why all this passion for drama?  Why is that such a necessity?
I know why now.
I feel too much.
Different people have different methods by which they clear out their minds, rejuvenate them selves, how they filter their emotions.  God gave me acting as one of those methods.

Same with writing.  Why do I write?  Why do I work for days and years to complete a book that wont even be read?  Because I'm a feeling machine.  God gave me writing so I could slaughter my emotions onto a computer screen and shape it into something beautiful.  Like a story.  Or a poem.  Or a prayer.

And music.  Well, almost everyone understands music.  There is always a song, or group of songs that just sound like one's soul.  I listen to songs, dance, sing, play violin, (all quite poorly, but that's not the point.  My music is personal).  Have you ever asked someone, "have you heard this song?" and they're faces just grow white and they're mouths open-they're speechless.  Because they have no words to describe how much feeling went into that song.
Same with movies.  And books.  Me and my friend Captain America the other day, described certain books and movies as "This is my soul if it were a story."

Here are some books that sound like my soul:

Some movies that sound like my soul:

And all sea movies in general.  In the Hear of the Sea.  Captains Courageous.  Horatio Hornblower.  You name it.  They're all so emotional.

Cheburashka.  Okay.  So it's a Russian cartoon and I have no idea what they're saying.  But the music, the voices, and the style is so gripping.  This is another reason why I am secretly Russian.

Monsters Inc.

Sherlock (BBC)

Some songs that sound like my soul:

Mansion, NF
https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=nf+mansion

The Parting Glass, High Kings
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mUbNMxGdnCs

Happiness, needtobreathe
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8EWadtvJqlk

The World Was Wide Enough, Hamilton
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o51rzRr1GJY
(I would suggest you do not listen to this song unless you have already heard it/have heard all the other Hamilton songs).

Warriors, Imagine Dragons
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WyjOPYK7FKk

Wolfs Without Teeth, of Monserts and Men.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XW4jVYQikco

I Wont Give Up, Jason Marz
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-k9Yip14sM

Movin' Right Along, Muppet Movie
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MMR5JVo21wQ
(Don't ask.  Please).