There are Two Sides to This

I still remember this happening to me several times when I was little, kind of like when you have a dream and think, "I've had this dream several times before."
What would happen is I would black out, freeze, I would forget who I was and what life was.  It was as if time it self stopped.  I really don't how long these episodes would last, maybe a few seconds.  I sweat now just thinking about them.  All I would see is layers and layers of black.  I would try my hardest to remember who I was, what I was, where I was, but I couldn't.  I tried to remember was life was, what my regular thought pattern was, what I should be thinking, but I couldn't remember.  Sometimes it would be so intense I wouldn't even remember I had a family.  It was like spinning in black space.
And I would wake up, and everything would be back to normal.  And I would continue about my day, like one would after a silly dream.  Wouldn't even remember it.  Didn't tell anyone about it.  Couldn't tell anyone about it.  I mean, how could I?
Three year old comes up to you and says, "I just took a four second trip outside of reality"
It doesn't work.

And it happened to me again last night.
And now I might be able to express myself.
Only right after I had the black out, my heart started to pulsate.  I don't know why.  Without words, something told me;
I'm gonna die tonight.
Spoiler alert; I didn't die last night.  There was no logical reason that even came to mind.
Then why was I seeing death?  Everywhere? My life didn't flash before my eyes, death flashed before my eyes.
This is stupid, I thought.  And even if I was randomly going to die, what would it matter?  I would go heaven, be with God.  I've said so many times before in my life:  I'm not afraid of death.
Then the feeling drew in deeper and deeper, and it became so intense I had chills and nausea.  I sat up in bed and turned my light and tried to think.  I felt like I was going to vomit.  I wanted to cry and run to my Mom's room like I would when I was three.
I lied to you.  I'm not brave.  I don't trust God.  And I'm afraid of death.

God speaks to me through writing.  I wrote for hours last night.

See, death is everywhere.  We're all gonna die.  We all push it away.  Death is our curse.
But God broke death.  Death isn't the ending point, death is the starting point.  Death is when you flip the page, and turn to chapter 1.
Ever seen the movie Inception?  What if I told you that this world isn't real?  Well, as far as I know I'm pretty sure this world is at least kinda real.  But this is just the prologue.  This isn't the real story.  We look around us and think, "Yes.  This is reality." But what if it's just a blurry picture of real reality?

I have a funny little picture in my head of heaven.  It's puffy and white, with a big throne and a golden gate and some opera singers in the back round.
And I have a picture of what I think is reality.  And that's with my family, with my friends, at my homes, with my pets and my coffee, where I feel loved, where I'm comfortable.
I like my picture of reality much better then my picture of heaven.  I see my world as real, and I see heaven as a dream.
I switch them.
And suddenly it makes sense.
I don't want to leave my family.  I'm not leaving my family.  Don't you see?  I can't leave them.  The feeling of family, of comfort, of home, THAT'S WHO GOD IS!!!! 
That's what eternal life is!
That's what heaven is!
We have such a faded, blurry, confusing image of family and comfort and love here on earth.  We don't leave that behind  when we go to heaven.  We don't leave anything behind when we go to heaven except sin.  When we go to heaven, that's where we'll find it!!!
God is all perfect love.  The basis of morality.  God is family.  God is home.  God is everything we need and all we need and too great and beyond the scope of our plastic little minds to understand.  There is no way I can even begin to explain this to you.  My mind can't grasp it.  If God could be explained in text, he would small and pathetic.

But right now, we're on earth.  My sister told me a quote from some joe I've never met and can't recall the name of.  But he said, "Live how you want to die."
That's the more brutal version of the quote you hear all the time; "Live your life to the fullest."

I'm gonna die.  We're all gonna die.  Probably sometime soon.  But death doesn't have anything to do with it.  Really, there are only two sides to this.
This side, and that side.
This isn't chapter one.  This is the prologue.  I need to be ready for chapter one.

(Jeremy Camp: There Will be a Day, and NF: Oh Lord)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CPKyTY71iRM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0NOxf4uaZI