Speech! Speech!

Me:  Hello self.  I'm just here to wish you a happy sweet 16th.  May all your wishes come true, and remember to always be you!💓 

Self:  Aw, how cute!  It even rimes!  That almost made me regurgitate.  

Me:  You're welcome.  It came from the heart.

Self:  Of course.  

Me:  I also brought you a cake.

Self:  Wow.  Thanks, Me.  You're just on a roll today.

Me:  Aren't I?  First I would like to thank everyone for coming.  *Caps and cheers*  Yes, yes, thank you, thank you.  So Self, may I first take a moment to say a few words?

Self:  *Sits  back in chair with coffee* Alright, Me.  Take it away.  I'm all ears.

Me:  What.  The.  Blaze.  

*Standing ovation, chaps and cheers, the crowed goes wild.  Audience is sniffling, wiping tears, and throwing flowers*

Self:  Wait, that your speech?

Me:  I just said I wanted to say a few words.

Self:  That was my birthday speech ?  

Me: ....Yes.

Self: And now this will go down in history as the words dedicated to me on my sweet 16th birthday party?

Me:  Well, frankly, they were the only words I could possibly come up with. You must understand that I dedicated this a lot of contemplation.

Self:  Well why are you throwing me a birthday party any way?  This doesn't make any sense.  Not only is it not my birthday today, but even if it were my birthday it would be your birthday too!

Me:  Well obviously!

Self:  Then WHAT THE BLAZE ARE WE DOING HERE?!?

Me:  Ah, now you understand my speech!

Self:  I didn't say I understood your speech. I said 'what the blaze.'

Me:  My thoughts exactly.

Self:  ...Ooooh, okay.  Well then, Me.  Because you have so thoughtlessly decided to through me a birthday party, it seems only suitable that I return the favor.  Happy Birthday Me!!

Me:  *GASP*  For Me???  Oh Self, you shouldn't have!

Self:  I know.  Today is that special day.  That day where the whole family gathers around you and your wax infested cake and sing 'the agony quartet'.  Then Calvin blows out your candles first, along with a shower of excess saliva.  When was the last time we blew out our own birthday candles?

Me:  Hm.  I don't remember.  Do I get...A Cake or a present something?

Self:  Why do they call it Sweet 16?  

Me:...Well I'm not entirely aware of the relevance of this question, but I think we can conclude that the title's purpose was invented to stamp some kind of significance involved with the age.

Self:  Why?  What's so significant about being 16?

Me:  Well, I believe once you turn 16, that means you've survived long enough to figure out how to not be overly stupid.  It's like a life test.  If you live long enough to make 16, then you're rewarded.  Like, for some pools, this means that you can now get in the hot tub without parental supervision.  The accomplishments and opportunities are limitless!

Self:...Wow.  Well then.  Congratulations, Me.  Definition of Sweet 16: Congratulations.  You're not dead.  You old enough to drown in the hot tub if you want.

Me: *Puts hand to heart* Aw, my little Self is growing up!  *Crowd wipes tears*

Self:  And what about dudes?

Me:  What about dudes?  Don't say you're looking of a boy friend!  You're not THAT limitless!

Self:  What?  No.  If I were looking for a boy friend, I would have made an advertisement for one already and posted it on this blog.  Haha!  that would be crazy.  *Crowd laughs*  No, I mean, you don't say 'Happy Sweet 16' to a dude, because that just sounds sissy.  (Unless you're a mother or something).  So what do guys get?

Me:  Uuuhh.......Happy Sweat 16?

Self:  *Takes a moment to ponder* Hmm...Alright.  Fare enough.

Me:  Well, what are some of our accomplishments?

Self:  Pardon? 

Me:  We've lived this long, we should have some accomplishments and bragging rights, yes?

Self:  Oh yes!  Of course.  *COUGH* *COUGH* Well.  To begin with, I can perform a flawless old man getting punched impression.  *Caps and cheers* I've been found in the men's room with very sad consequences three times.

Me:  Ah yes, not a lot of people can say that, indeed.  And I managed to get lost.  In the smallest town in the world.  That you've been through a billion times.  That was quite an accomplishment.

Self:  I've accomplished the three person shoulder angle.  Although that wasn't really me...And I forgot how we got down from that...

Me:  I've fallen through the ice once.  And been in my first car accident.  I killed all my friend's pet fish once when I was taking care of them...

Self:  I jumped over a balcony and landed on my face.  With the rest of me thrown over my face in a very killer position.

Me: Wow.  We have a lot of bragging rights.  I'm afraid to continue, our audience might get jealous.

Self::  Ah, but we've never fainted.

Me:  Dang it, you had to remind me!  The one new years goal I have yet to accomplish.

Self:  Man, this whole sweet 16 thing is really making me feel good, you know?  So old.  Mature.  Accomplished.  So many lovely opportunities.

Me:  Like the hot tub privileged?

Self:....Yup.  Were there any others?...

Me: ...

Self:  ...

Me:  Well, good talk. 

Self::  Thanks for the party, Me.  Maybe we could do this again on my actual birthday.