And I hated playing her.
How come? I feel too much. Ever been around someone who's company you don't particularly enjoy, and think to your self, "Man, does this person even have a soul?"
That's what it was like, hanging out with Lydia Bennett, trying to get into her head, trying to be her. Trying vomit out all this energy that I just didn't have. The more I played her, the more my soul resisted her. I felt so plastic on stage, it was exhausting.
I wrote this poem on my way to play practice one day;
Emotion Machine
I can't handle this shallow plastic.
I can't smile and make it fantastic.
Your soul is built on a flimsy mirror,
Maybe if you felt more,
You could see through it clearer.
I'm rooted down in stone cement,
I taste the cracks when I need to repent.
I roots are growing,
Without you knowing.
Talking with you is like talking with dirt,
Spare me your selfies,
I cringe when you flirt.
Your wondering why I can't act like you?
You're so unreal.
You haven't a clue.
Look in my head,
And what do you see?
It's the deepest, darkest place you will be.
Too many feelings and not enough rimes.
I'm the emotion machine.
I'll say it a million times.
It's all I can do not to scream,
There's too much inside,
Too much to dream.
I can't act like you,
Can't even try to.
You're just too fake.
Its turning a brick into a snow flake.
It just hardens me more for goodness sake.
Not saying I'm perfect,
I'm nothing clean,
But I feel,
And it's real,
I'm the emotion machine.
My adrenaline was high on performance night. And stress level. And emotion level. Twas my last performance, my good-bye-to-Lydia, so I gave it my all.
Throughout all four months of practice, I struggled to get into Lydia's head. Then suddenly, performance night, she came to me:
I just came home to visit after getting married. The first of my sisters to get married. The excitement and pride of the moment was so intense it blinded me, but I could stop thinking about my family. I entered the house in all my mature-married-woman glory, and oh my family's faces were delightful! So much envy, for me! Who would have thought? It was the best day ever.
Then it was time to leave.
Suddenly everything crashed down around me. Not just my husbands chair when he stood up, but my world. I didn't want to go. I wanted to stay. With my family. With this moment. I couldn't leave, not now, I didn't want my husband, I didn't care about him, I wanted...I couldn't bring my self to say it. And Kitty. What about Kitty? Life was dull without Kitty. Even superior married life.
I didn't say goodbye. I couldn't even look at them. I especially did not look at Kitty. When Mother said, "Write often" I replied, "Married Women never have much time for writing. My sisters may write me, they'll have noting better to do." As my mind screamed, write me. PLEASE write me.
And just like that, I exited stage left and that was the end of my time with Lydia.
And the audience didn't even know what was going on inside my head.
Why do I do this to myself?
Sometimes I wonder why I do the things I do. Why do I act? Why all this passion for drama? Why is that such a necessity?
I know why now.
I feel too much.
Different people have different methods by which they clear out their minds, rejuvenate them selves, how they filter their emotions. God gave me acting as one of those methods.
Same with writing. Why do I write? Why do I work for days and years to complete a book that wont even be read? Because I'm a feeling machine. God gave me writing so I could slaughter my emotions onto a computer screen and shape it into something beautiful. Like a story. Or a poem. Or a prayer.
And music. Well, almost everyone understands music. There is always a song, or group of songs that just sound like one's soul. I listen to songs, dance, sing, play violin, (all quite poorly, but that's not the point. My music is personal). Have you ever asked someone, "have you heard this song?" and they're faces just grow white and they're mouths open-they're speechless. Because they have no words to describe how much feeling went into that song.
Same with movies. And books. Me and my friend Captain America the other day, described certain books and movies as "This is my soul if it were a story."
Here are some books that sound like my soul:
Some movies that sound like my soul:
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| And all sea movies in general. In the Hear of the Sea. Captains Courageous. Horatio Hornblower. You name it. They're all so emotional. |
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| Cheburashka. Okay. So it's a Russian cartoon and I have no idea what they're saying. But the music, the voices, and the style is so gripping. This is another reason why I am secretly Russian. |
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| Monsters Inc. |
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| Sherlock (BBC) |
Some songs that sound like my soul:
Mansion, NF
https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=nf+mansion
The Parting Glass, High Kings
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mUbNMxGdnCs
Happiness, needtobreathe
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8EWadtvJqlk
The World Was Wide Enough, Hamilton
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o51rzRr1GJY
(I would suggest you do not listen to this song unless you have already heard it/have heard all the other Hamilton songs).
Warriors, Imagine Dragons
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WyjOPYK7FKk
Wolfs Without Teeth, of Monserts and Men.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XW4jVYQikco
I Wont Give Up, Jason Marz
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-k9Yip14sM
Movin' Right Along, Muppet Movie
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MMR5JVo21wQ
(Don't ask. Please).
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