I told you I was going to make a post concerning each fear I wrote about a few posts ago. So far I have written about one. The others are more difficult for me to discuss, but worth writing about all the same, and I hope to still get to that.
This I drew a week or so ago, when I had no words. I lose words all the time, I loose words like I lose my sense of direction. A lot. And I hate it. Because I love words. Maybe I love words too much. Maybe I'm an addict to words, and I need to fill my mind with something else for those 14 hours a week I spend driving and listening. Driving and listening.
Sometimes I go numb, and I have nothing. I hate being numb. I'd much rather be in pain. Pain amplifies beauty in a way. Numbness amplifies nothing. Nothing's ugly, but nothing's beautiful either. Like that time warp the main character in Interstellar got stuck in. And it's hard to get out.
At least songs and words give subtitles to my thoughts, my thoughts I can't think. Sometimes to understand I can't use my own words. So I drew this and wrote down all the words that randomly came to mind, creating a college of my general state of mind.
A few of the quotes:
Don't let it go, don't give up the ghost. While staring at the moon and the sun, trying to remember where we came from.
-Phillip Phillips
I'm forced to deal with what I feel. There is no distraction to mask what is real.
-Twenty one pilots
Feeling my way through the darkness, guided by a beating hart. I can't tell where the journey will end, but I know where it starts.
-Avicii
What's my problem? Well, I want you to follow me down to the bottom underneath the insane asylum, keep your wits about you while you got 'em 'cause your wits are first to go while you're problem-solving.
-Twenty one pilots
I've been trying to find the light on my own, apart from you. I am the king of excuses. I've got one for every selfish thing I do.
-DC Talk
One more day we'll spend together. Lay your eyes, look upon me for the better. Oh I know I'm worse for weather, but my love I wont give in.
-Imagine Dragons
All my life, I've been wondering where you've been. There were holes in you, the kind that I could not mend. And I heard you say, right when you left that day, does everything go away? But I'm gonna be here till I'm nothing, so just call when you're around.
-Radical Face
We live and we die. Like fire works we pull apart the dark, compete against the stars with all of our hearts, till our temporary brilliance turns to ash. We pull apart the darkness while we can.
-Sleeping at Last
If you only listen with your ears, I can't come in.
-Radical Face
If I'm crazy, I'm on my own. If I'm waiting, it's on my throne. If I sound lazy just ignore my tone, because I'm always gonna answer when you call my phone like "what's up danger."
-Blackway and Black Caviar
There's a rhythm and rush these days, where the lights don't move and the colors don't fade. Leaves you empty with nothing but dreams, in a world gone shallow, in a world gone lean.
-Jose Gonzalez
Just to be with you, I'd do anything. Yes, I'd give my life away.
-Third Day
There comes a point in my sad little basement blogging life where I hold back writing for so long that I begin to feel sick.
But two nights ago, I found words.
When it comes to poetry, I can't sit down and write it like I write Domino. My novel is like my dog. I call my dog, and my dog comes. My poems are like cats. I can call all I want and they wont come, darn them. I come when they call. Like my cat, poem's know when I'm sad, and they'll appear when I'm not expecting them.
Hearing Lights, Seeing Sound
Try to hear with lights,
Try not to fear my fights,
My rights,
These hights,
Too far,
Too far to fall,
Or maybe I can't hear you call.
Maybe I can't hear at all.
I fear the dark
But I work at night.
Not enough outlets
For my night lights.
It's hard to be bold
When I stand in the cold
Too old,
Not old,
Not twenty one,
Some liar told me
That this would be fun.
God,
Wake me up when it's all done.
Wake up,
Corrupt,
This shallow mind,
Address it to Mars and have it signed.
How many me's does it take to change,
A hallway light
Of basic range.
Call it strange.
I call it mad.
But give it a smile and shirt of plaid.
Bye Buddy,
Hope you find your Dad.
Could I be depressed,
Or merely sad?
Close my eyes
And plug my ears,
If the answer randomly appears
Beneath the skin of all my fears,
Among the bottles
That hold my tears.
I'm not satisfied to be insane.
Break my skull
To fix my brain.
If you do it yourself,
Then I'll refrain,
But do it where my blood will drain.
Carpet stain.
I hate the pain.
But I hate the chain.
Set me free
From anxiety,
Apart from a melting society,
From what they think.
The moment I blink,
The more I shrink.
Can't waist a beat.
You've given me feet.
A cup holder for coffee
In the passenger seat.
Give me the sort of eyes that hear
Above the glamour of my fear.
Give me the sort of ears that see,
Exactly what's
In front of me.
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