Being a Human

Embarrassment.

Embarrassment follows me around like rash that keeps growing larger and larger the more I scratch.  Last year I had a job.  I would make at least one or two big embarrassing mistakes a day.  My co-workers thought my mistakes were hilarious, so I would make fun of myself and laugh along and it was all good. 
And I would go home wanting to die, and wake up in dread of what mistakes I'd make that day and what my co-workers would say about me.
But I have weapon, a weapon I use often to fight my embarrassment.
I'm funny.
I love it when people laugh at me.  Humor has saved me in countless situations.  Situations where I'm terrified.
I've been called things like, "Brave" and "Shameless" and "The Queen of self confidence" And other baloney, just because I'm comfortable in a crowd or on stage. 
Actually, I'm more comfortable on stage then I am anywhere else.  Because on stage, people already look up to you.  I'm really good at pretending I'm a good person when I'm on stage.  (Or writing blog posts).  And people cheer and give complements, and then I pretend to be humble, and it feels really good.
When I'm not on stage, that's when I feel vulnerable.  People will be able to see how selfish I really am.  I hate admitting to myself that almost all of my disagreements with people have started with me choosing to be selfish.
I'm not brave because I don't have stage fright.  I have stage fright.  It's just not on stage.
There's a lot of people like me, I've found.  Sarcastic people.  Where it's fun to make fun of them because you know they'd just make a bigger joke out of it.  People who are very good at laughing at themselves. 
I keep hearing, "Laugh at your own mistakes." And yes, that's a good tactic.  I'm all about not taking yourself too seriously.  But I don't often hear, "Stop laughing at other peoples embarrassments."

I can think of several people who I've been an absolute jerk too.  And not even realized it.  Because they acted like they didn't mind.  Because everyone else laughs too, including that person.  I remember a friend trying to say something honest and sincere to me, but I chose to make fun of him instead.
People with masks are easy to be sarcastic too.  Being obnoxious and sarcastic isn't an invitation for insults, it's a coping mechanism.  A shelter.  A safety helmet.  At least for some people.

So if you're the 'entertaining' type character, just be real.  Fakeness has a smell like perfume over puke.  It's disgusting, and there are only so many people you can fool.  So be real.  And I'll take you seriously.
And by all means, when someone is funny, laugh. They love being laughed at, that's why they choose to be funny.  But for goodness sake, they are human too.  Don't talk bad about my bro's behind their backs.  I think sarcasm is lovely, but you may not realize when it hurts someone.

I guess I could have just said, "Be a human being" instead of writing this extensive blog post.  But its funny how we think a job like that is so simple, we forget to even do it. 

I like to write as thought I'm mentoring someone else, but really this is a note to myself.  Writing this way just helps me understand my own thoughts better.  Posting a thought makes me feel as though I'm wise enough to instruct others on it.  But I'm not the person to come to for wisdom.  If you feel you have advice for me, please share it.  I would like a mentor.  I don't write because I have things figured out, I write because I really don't.