Humans Crack Me Up

I go to the zoo.  My friends and I discuss pranks we should play on the zookeepers.  We come up with a brilliant plan to waltz up to a zoo keeper and humbly and modestly inform her that the monkeys are naked.  We think this is hilarious and I volunteer for the job.
Giggling and pulling out their phones to take videos, my friends nudge me and motion to the employee slumped against the wall of the monkey exhibit.  I nod and give them the okay, creeping over to the young lady in a theatrically nervous, slightly embarrassed manner.
I cough, "Um, excuse me, but-um...The monkey's are naked."
Employee stares at me, expression as blank as her glasses.  "You think your funny?"
Darn.  She's one of those people.
"Heh," I shrug, continuing the act, "Just didn't know if-you know-that was a problem or not..."
Now she's showing some expression.  I should wrap it up before I get strangled.

Two hours later my friend comes up to me and dares me to start dancing in front of the crowed to win a free funnel cake.  So I do.  Of course.  (If you'd like to call it dancing).
And the man at the snack bar gives us a free funnel cake....
And I'm like,

How am I supposed to learn my learn my lessons? 

Humans crack me up.  I love seeing their reactions to things.  Analyzing their characters.  One of my favorite things to do is watch people.  Which is terribly rude and creepy and socially unacceptable and I wouldn't suggest it.  But really, people are fascinating.  

I thought I was good at people's characters.  I write them out like maps, like equations in my head, and then they do things completely unexpected, and I erase all my notes and wonder what I did wrong.  People are kind of like science, I'm bad at it. 

I've done a lot of dumb things this year.  It's been quite entertaining.  I mean, I don't have Netflix.  I have to actually physically entertain myself.

Ooh, ooh, how about this one:

Me:  "Hey Mom, you can drop me off at the cafe, I'll just walk to the library for filming."

Mom:  "You sure?  You wont have much time."
Me:  "Pffff, sure I have time!  It's right across the street!"

😐

Well.  After a lovely cup of coffee and chat with the employees and a mad rush to memorize lines, I look at my watch and realize I'm already late.  I rush out the door, a lovely neon green sign in front of me that says, 'Library' with a little stick figure reading a book.  And I walk left...

I eventually come back to my senses (or, what ever sense I am capable to attain), cursing myself and looking for a rock to smash my head on.

People laugh when I tell them that my natural humanly sense of navigation is broken.  Then I tell them this story and they stop laughing.

Then there was the time I was volunteering at a concert at a booth selling band swag, whom for the moment I had to pretend I liked.  After the concert, I start stacking chairs.  No, volunteering and stacking chairs does not mean I am a virtuous person.  But I suppose you've already gathered that.

The fancy car pulls up beside us as we work, containing two men with lovely hair, stern expressions and sunglasses.

"That's them!  Form the concert!" My friends exclaim, taking turns peeking over the chair stacks to take a look at the celebrities.  "Ha!" Say's me, in all my jealousy and arrogance, "They think they're so cool!  They're rich they can afford a fancy car with fancy sunglasses and phones and black jackets just so they can look like super undercover spy dudes!  Look them!  Just to impress the chicks!  Ha!  I bet they-"

That's when I shut up.  Oh, I would have continued.  I was pumped.  Until I realize that during my entire sass rage, their window was rolled down...

Yes, I've been pretty top notch stupid this year.  Then there was that time my friend and I dressed up in fluffy princess dresses and flounced around Walmart...I'm not even going to go into that.  Perhaps another day in the Adventures of Dr. Elemis Pott and How She Entertains Herself.  Within the last few days I've managed to accidentally walk down the men's hall, wonder why a friend hadn't arrived after I already greeted them and they stood not a foot away from me, almost get clobbered if not for someone shoving me back in line, (this is all within three minutes of a day mind you) run into Captain America and spill coffee all over her, forget three pages of a script and an entire scene I was supposed to perform that day, I forgot my pants, (not even kidding) forgot my watch, my food, my age, and I chugged almost an entire bowl of orange punch, straight from the bowl.  And that's only within a few days.  Oh but there's more.
On fourth of July I set my backyard on fire, and hours later, set off illegal fire works.  The cops showed up.  But all that wasn't entirely my fault.  Then I proceeded to sing classic patriotic songs around the camp fire.  Like, "You'll Be Back" from Hamilton, and "Taylor the Latte Boy."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fdxLohjwhoQ

(You'll Be Back.  A song written in the POV of Kind George as a 'Love' Song to America).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zXS0nEOx_20

(Taylor the Latte Boy....yeah..)

Oooooh and so much more.  If I had time and energy and no life then I could continue.  It would never end.  Which makes me sad because I know I'm forgetting something juicy that will torment me for not writing about.  But it's a burden that children like me have to bare.