How To Get Lost Like A Professional (A Step By Step Tutorial, By the Lostolologist)

When you have such a brain as mine, the expanse of knowledge is limitless.  But I think the thing my brain is best at performing, is getting lost.  You can call me an expert.  A Lostotologist.

I can get lost anywhere, and have gotten lost anywhere. 

I've gotten lost in buildings.

Malls.

Zoos.

Conversations.

Houses.

Books.

Bathrooms.

Backstage.

Parking lots.

I've even gotten lost in my own closet.

So to bless you with my knowledge, here is step by step tutorial on how to get lost like pro, with a true story examples.

Step 1. Decided to go somewhere.  You don't even have to know where.

Example: Me: "Hay Marry Poppins!  I'm gonna walk to the Cafe today!"

Marry Poppins:  "It's five miles there and back.  And you're gonna get lost."

Me:  *Makes a fart noise* "Whaaaaat? That's crazy!!!"

But I decide to walk there with my friends, just in case.

Step 2.  Pay no attention to maps.  Maps are the devil.  In fact, clear your mind of any knowledge of maps.

Example:  Marry Poppins:  "Here's a map I so graciously wrote out for you so that if you find yourself alone, you wont get lost."

Me:  *Looks at the map Marry Poppins so graciously wrote out for me.  Nods and pretends to know how to read it* "Oh yeah!  Totally!  Great!"

Step 3.  Don't check twice.  Your goal is NOT to be prepared.

Example:  After a lovely walk, I have just gotten to the Cafe with my friends.

Me:  "I think I'll stay here a little longer and chill."

Friends:  "Will you be okay walking back?"

Me:  "Oh yeah!  I have a map!  I'll be totally good!"

Friends:  "Okay, just give us a call if you get lost!"

Me:  "Will do!"

I find a nice little table for myself and my caramel frap.  I draw and memorize Lord of the Rings monologues and have a lovely morning.  My Mom calls from the Cafe to ask if I'm there (probably thinking I got lost) but I say I'm fine and I'll be walking back soon.

I go out side and start on the road, feeling light and fluffy.  I look in my purse for my map, and it's not there.  My caramel frap turns to cheese in my stomach.

Step 4.  Confidence and stupidity!  Constupidity!  Embrace your Constupidity and keep walking.

Example:  I stand a few feet from the Cafe (which has a phone in which I can call mom and ask for directions). 

Me:  Oh well!  It wasn't hard to get here.  It wont be hard to get back.

I strut down the road, showing off my cool.

Step 5.  As you reach a destination, pay ZIT attention to your surroundings.

Example:  I walk along, still showing my cool, but the two Dr. Elemis Potts are in complete disagreement.

Me 1: "That's not the road...None of this looks familiar!"

Me 2:  "Knock it off.  You're cool, remember?"

Me 1:  "Do we just keep going this way?"

Me 2:  "Of course we do!  What, you don't remember?"

Me 1:  "Nope.  Do you?"

Me 2:  "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeessss......................."

I walk for hours.  Me 2 keeps Me 1 going, singing Irish traveling songs.

Me 2:  "We're on the one Roooad, we're on the road to God knows wheeeeeere!"

But then I get to a cross roads, with a sign pointing different ways.  I bang my head on the pole.  I walk one way for a while to see if it's familiar.  I find the splattered remains of a ground hog, it's middle completely crushed, and it's eyes bulging halfway out it's head like a cartoon.  I hold the barf within, barfing would just lead me closer to starvation, and I had to keep what little I had.

Me 1:  "Wrong way."

I turn and walk back, and start down another way.  That way doesn't look familiar either.  I turn back.  I want to strangle something, so I strangle the sign pole.

Step 6.  Don't bring a phone.  Phones are terribly inconvenient when it comes to getting professionally lost.

Example:  Me 2:  "But hope still remains!  I can just call my buddies to come rescue me!  What a clever Joe I am!"

Me 1:  "We don't have a phone."

Me 2: *Makes sure cars aren't passing, and scrounges through purse* "God, please miraculously put a phone in my purse."

Me 1:  "I hate you sometimes."

Me 2:  "Hay, let's just go up to the big friendly looking cabin and ask for a phone!"

Me 1:  *Grabs pocket knife harder and reminds self that I'm professionally trained in kicking people.*

I go up to the house and peak through the window.  There's an old deaf lady inside who can't hear my knocking, but the old guy comes down and opens the door for me.  I ask to borrow a phone, and I call my mom.  No one answers.

Step 7.  Know nothing about your world.  Be oblivious.  Always.

Example:  Old Guy: "Could you give me the address you're looking for so I can give you directions?"

Me: "Um, I don't exactly know the address..."

I was like,

And they were like,

Old Guy:  "Maybe I can find it in the phone book.  What's the the name of the people that live there?"

Me: "...Pals?" 

Old Guy: "What's the first name of the owner?"

Me:  "Uh......."

I see the look on the guys face, the look I get so often, that I've completely confused him and he's given up.  I thanked the nice people for their help, and hit the road.

Step 8. Congratulations!  You've just got yourself completely lost!  You can decide what you want to do from here, wonder down more roads, or just give up and walk back to where you started.

Example.  It's over.  I've gotten myself completely lost.  I was going to die of heat and starvation and end up like that poor rodent all over the road.  I walk back, finding nothing better to do. I've lost my cool, and now I feel like a hobo.  The only place I did know how to go to was the Cafe.  It had food.  And a phone.  With reception.

Step 9.  Inconvenience a lot of people.  This isn't totally necessary for getting lost, but it's adds for extra credit.

I still feel like a looser, but now I'm at peace, knowing exactly where I'm going.  A familiar car turns around and I hear a, "WHAT?!" It pulls up, and Mr. Zac rolls down the window.

Mr. Zac:  "Elemis?  What are you doing here?"

Me: "Oh, you know.  Taking a walk."

Mr. Zac:  "Where are you going?"

Me:  "To the Cafe."

Mr. Zac gives me a ride the rest of the way to the Cafe, and it feels so nice to sit.  I thank him, feeling like I should give him a tip or something.

I go back into the Cafe, only this time I'm sticky and sweaty and dusty and I stumble in like I got in some resulting match.  The employees look at me weird when I ask them for the phone, recognizing me from that morning.

Mom: "Hello?"

Me:  "Hi Mom."

Mom:  "Hi!  I'm so glad your back, you weren't picking up the phone!"

Me:  "I got lost.  I'm at the Cafe."

Mom:  *Gasp!*  "I'll come pick you up!"
My mom came and rescued me, and I felt like dirt inwardly and outwardly.

There ya go folks!  I hope I've inspired you to get out of your comfort zone, embrace your constupidity, and get professionally lost!  Please comment if you have any questions or concerns, I am a Lostolologist, and I'm available any time for interviews.