Next Up On Critical Me: Woodlawn and Pete's Dragon

Friends, I have a thing.  I've decided to call my movie reviews 'Critical Me'

Any hoo.
Here's a movie review on Pete's Dragon.

Pete's Dragon is about a boy who finds himself stranded in the woods, and lives several years with his dragon Eliot and his favorite kids book.  A family finds him, and Pete has to decide whether or not to stay with this family, or go back living in the woods with Eliot.
Pete's Dragon had a good amount of action and excitement, along with lots of emotion (and spectacular scenery).
Acting was high quality, even for young american actors (Minus bad crying skills).
Good dialogue with only a few cleshe Disney catch phrases.
The plot was weak, but they made up for it with good emotion.
Over all, I really enjoyed it.  It reminded me of the games I played with my self (I pretended I was lost and I lived with a dragon)  There were some moments where I was sure the movie would go going down-hill-cheesy, but it didn't.
On a scale from 1 to 10, I could give Pete's Dragon a 8 1/2 

Next up, Woodlawn.

(I just had to have Sean Astin in the picture, even though he wasn't technically the main character.  But he was in it...So he was basically the main character....)
Woodlawn was about...Well, just about every foot ball movie ever created.  But this one was based off a true story, so I'll give it some leave.  It's about a foot ball team and couch who are converted to Christianity and how they struggle with the people around them and their faith.
One of the first thing I find important to mention though, is that the acting was good.  There are a very limited amount of good Christian actors, and a limited mount of people that are good actors that act in Christian movies.  But the acting was great.  And Sean Astin was in it.  I don't know if I mentioned that.
The dialogue wasn't spectacular, but it also wasn't as bad as it could have been.  It was even clever at times, and humorous.
The movie was a bit long, and there were many parts I didn't find totally necessary.
It had a good and basic gospel message, and had a good amount of emotion.  I liked it.  I also like Sean Astin.
On a scale from 1 to 10, I would give Woodlawn a 7 1/2. 

How To Get Lost Like A Professional (A Step By Step Tutorial, By the Lostolologist)

When you have such a brain as mine, the expanse of knowledge is limitless.  But I think the thing my brain is best at performing, is getting lost.  You can call me an expert.  A Lostotologist.

I can get lost anywhere, and have gotten lost anywhere. 

I've gotten lost in buildings.

Malls.

Zoos.

Conversations.

Houses.

Books.

Bathrooms.

Backstage.

Parking lots.

I've even gotten lost in my own closet.

So to bless you with my knowledge, here is step by step tutorial on how to get lost like pro, with a true story examples.

Step 1. Decided to go somewhere.  You don't even have to know where.

Example: Me: "Hay Marry Poppins!  I'm gonna walk to the Cafe today!"

Marry Poppins:  "It's five miles there and back.  And you're gonna get lost."

Me:  *Makes a fart noise* "Whaaaaat? That's crazy!!!"

But I decide to walk there with my friends, just in case.

Step 2.  Pay no attention to maps.  Maps are the devil.  In fact, clear your mind of any knowledge of maps.

Example:  Marry Poppins:  "Here's a map I so graciously wrote out for you so that if you find yourself alone, you wont get lost."

Me:  *Looks at the map Marry Poppins so graciously wrote out for me.  Nods and pretends to know how to read it* "Oh yeah!  Totally!  Great!"

Step 3.  Don't check twice.  Your goal is NOT to be prepared.

Example:  After a lovely walk, I have just gotten to the Cafe with my friends.

Me:  "I think I'll stay here a little longer and chill."

Friends:  "Will you be okay walking back?"

Me:  "Oh yeah!  I have a map!  I'll be totally good!"

Friends:  "Okay, just give us a call if you get lost!"

Me:  "Will do!"

I find a nice little table for myself and my caramel frap.  I draw and memorize Lord of the Rings monologues and have a lovely morning.  My Mom calls from the Cafe to ask if I'm there (probably thinking I got lost) but I say I'm fine and I'll be walking back soon.

I go out side and start on the road, feeling light and fluffy.  I look in my purse for my map, and it's not there.  My caramel frap turns to cheese in my stomach.

Step 4.  Confidence and stupidity!  Constupidity!  Embrace your Constupidity and keep walking.

Example:  I stand a few feet from the Cafe (which has a phone in which I can call mom and ask for directions). 

Me:  Oh well!  It wasn't hard to get here.  It wont be hard to get back.

I strut down the road, showing off my cool.

Step 5.  As you reach a destination, pay ZIT attention to your surroundings.

Example:  I walk along, still showing my cool, but the two Dr. Elemis Potts are in complete disagreement.

Me 1: "That's not the road...None of this looks familiar!"

Me 2:  "Knock it off.  You're cool, remember?"

Me 1:  "Do we just keep going this way?"

Me 2:  "Of course we do!  What, you don't remember?"

Me 1:  "Nope.  Do you?"

Me 2:  "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeessss......................."

I walk for hours.  Me 2 keeps Me 1 going, singing Irish traveling songs.

Me 2:  "We're on the one Roooad, we're on the road to God knows wheeeeeere!"

But then I get to a cross roads, with a sign pointing different ways.  I bang my head on the pole.  I walk one way for a while to see if it's familiar.  I find the splattered remains of a ground hog, it's middle completely crushed, and it's eyes bulging halfway out it's head like a cartoon.  I hold the barf within, barfing would just lead me closer to starvation, and I had to keep what little I had.

Me 1:  "Wrong way."

I turn and walk back, and start down another way.  That way doesn't look familiar either.  I turn back.  I want to strangle something, so I strangle the sign pole.

Step 6.  Don't bring a phone.  Phones are terribly inconvenient when it comes to getting professionally lost.

Example:  Me 2:  "But hope still remains!  I can just call my buddies to come rescue me!  What a clever Joe I am!"

Me 1:  "We don't have a phone."

Me 2: *Makes sure cars aren't passing, and scrounges through purse* "God, please miraculously put a phone in my purse."

Me 1:  "I hate you sometimes."

Me 2:  "Hay, let's just go up to the big friendly looking cabin and ask for a phone!"

Me 1:  *Grabs pocket knife harder and reminds self that I'm professionally trained in kicking people.*

I go up to the house and peak through the window.  There's an old deaf lady inside who can't hear my knocking, but the old guy comes down and opens the door for me.  I ask to borrow a phone, and I call my mom.  No one answers.

Step 7.  Know nothing about your world.  Be oblivious.  Always.

Example:  Old Guy: "Could you give me the address you're looking for so I can give you directions?"

Me: "Um, I don't exactly know the address..."

I was like,

And they were like,

Old Guy:  "Maybe I can find it in the phone book.  What's the the name of the people that live there?"

Me: "...Pals?" 

Old Guy: "What's the first name of the owner?"

Me:  "Uh......."

I see the look on the guys face, the look I get so often, that I've completely confused him and he's given up.  I thanked the nice people for their help, and hit the road.

Step 8. Congratulations!  You've just got yourself completely lost!  You can decide what you want to do from here, wonder down more roads, or just give up and walk back to where you started.

Example.  It's over.  I've gotten myself completely lost.  I was going to die of heat and starvation and end up like that poor rodent all over the road.  I walk back, finding nothing better to do. I've lost my cool, and now I feel like a hobo.  The only place I did know how to go to was the Cafe.  It had food.  And a phone.  With reception.

Step 9.  Inconvenience a lot of people.  This isn't totally necessary for getting lost, but it's adds for extra credit.

I still feel like a looser, but now I'm at peace, knowing exactly where I'm going.  A familiar car turns around and I hear a, "WHAT?!" It pulls up, and Mr. Zac rolls down the window.

Mr. Zac:  "Elemis?  What are you doing here?"

Me: "Oh, you know.  Taking a walk."

Mr. Zac:  "Where are you going?"

Me:  "To the Cafe."

Mr. Zac gives me a ride the rest of the way to the Cafe, and it feels so nice to sit.  I thank him, feeling like I should give him a tip or something.

I go back into the Cafe, only this time I'm sticky and sweaty and dusty and I stumble in like I got in some resulting match.  The employees look at me weird when I ask them for the phone, recognizing me from that morning.

Mom: "Hello?"

Me:  "Hi Mom."

Mom:  "Hi!  I'm so glad your back, you weren't picking up the phone!"

Me:  "I got lost.  I'm at the Cafe."

Mom:  *Gasp!*  "I'll come pick you up!"
My mom came and rescued me, and I felt like dirt inwardly and outwardly.

There ya go folks!  I hope I've inspired you to get out of your comfort zone, embrace your constupidity, and get professionally lost!  Please comment if you have any questions or concerns, I am a Lostolologist, and I'm available any time for interviews.

My Travel Story

I've decided to lay out for you my traveling story.  Or, my childhood.  But I thought I do it a little differently.  I've decided to let my playmobiles do the telling.  Playmobiles have been my traveling mates from the start.


I began in Alaska.

(Moose)

I've already introduced you to my family, but now you can meet then face to face.  Here we have Dad, Mom, Marry Poppins (the oldest) Batman, Dory, and our puppies, Sammy and Ally.  Gato our cat existed here too, but she didn't get in the picture.  And that's me in there.

I was born in Iceland.

I don't really remember much about Iceland, being a baby and all, but I imagine it was sort of like this.

Then we flew away to the fearsome land of Alabama.  I've been told that on the plane I sang a boisterous song about puppies and annoyed everyone.  Except the nice old people, who applauded.  Sounds about right.
I spent my babyhood in Alabama, so of course, life was pretty stressful.  I did gymnastics with my siblings (minus Hobbs)  And was completely in love with my teacher, Ms. Lora.  I told children that Santa wasn't real and crushed their dreams, I made friends everywhere I went (mostly the playground) and wrote them letters which they never wrote back to. I took a bath in the sink with Dory and almost got killed by my baby sitter, my favorite book was An Alligator Ate My Brother, and Dad got us a puppy.  Every four year old's dream.  Unfortunately we had to give him away when we moved.  My babyhood tragedy.  (In this picture, you can see us doing gymnastics. Including the pets.)

We sailed away to the magical land of Germany.

(Sammy and Ally are in this picture, next to Dory who is fishing).
Just before we landed, I was forced to sit next to an awkward nerd guy, away from the window.  The flight attendant thought I was his daughter.  It terribly frighting.

Germany is where I spent most of my childhood.

 I loved it.  I learned German (I could say "Was?"  which means, "What?")  I took ballet and did one performance.  On performance night, I learned I had to wear make-up.  After seeing Marry Poppins and Dory in make-up, I started crying, begging mom on my knees not to let them put that goop on my innocent chubby face.  They forced me down and did it any way.  I was more frightened of my face then the stage.
I was finally aloud to take horse back ridding with my older siblings.

I loved to play with dolls and playmobiles, I loved Kung Fu Panda and Peter Pan, and I still made playground friends and got their addresses so I could write them.  I had a group of real friends from church and other groups we were involved in.  I loved them with a passion, but didn't realize it until we moved.  I even had my husband chosen from the German lot.
The amusement parks were a big part of the Germany fun.
Although, I was very excited to move back to America.











While Dad and Batman were in America house hunting, Mom told us that she was pregnant.

 

I spent my further time making a travel journal, telling all my friends that I was moving to America, where we would have a farm and goats and horses and kittens and stetsons.  We may even be done with school, forever.  We would just listen to John Denver and have hoedowns and party for the rest of our life.  Marry Poppins even wrote a two part series about our perfect life in America, and won first prize in a writing contest.  (She won a Tinkerbell book, which made me extremely jealous)
I spent my last day with my best friend, Marry, at an amusement park on a very cold day.  It was then that my excited moving jitters began to get dampened.






Then we moved.  It was longer then I expected.  From the long wait in the ticket office, to the actual trip around America.  It was a wonderful trip, I wish I remembered where we drove through.  I know we went through New York and saw the statue of liberty, which I loved.  I mostly sat in the back of the car with Batman, coloring and drawing, and having tickle fights.   If you've never had a tickle fight with Batman, just know that it's painful.  We spent a good chunk of our life in a trailer.  I shared the top bunk with Marry Poppins, tormenting her throughout the night.  Ah, the good 'ol days.

I had never experienced home sickness before.  I wanted a room, I wanted my playmobiles, I wanted a back yard, I wanted friends.  We did listen to a lot of John Denver.  I thought the country music would add to the perfectness of America, but instead I listened to Take Me Home Country Road  and felt worse.
But we reached our American dream house at last.

It was a decent sized house in the city, with windows facing the houses two inches from each other.  (So my farm dream was coming to a close)  But when we first drove up to that house, I ran out of the car and hugged the porch rail, so excited to be home.
The inside of the house was destroyed and trashed, but after a few months of sleeping on the cement, we got a carpet and a wood, and I finally got my playmobiles back.  I had my own room for a while, and fell into lonely depression and moved in with the older girls (to Marry Poppins dismay).  We joined Tae-Kwon do.  We hunted around for a church.  We joined a book club which had a girls club that we tried to join.  I hated all the people there, and brutally let them know. I still made playground friends, but I made more enemies then anything.  It was there that Sammy and Ally died.  Home was feeling less and less like home, and I found myself crying for hours and praying that God would take me back to Germany.
It wasn't all bad though.  We built a fort in our back yard and hid in it to 'scare' Dad after his run.  We got a yellow lab and named him Teddy Bear.  And Calvin was born, which was the best part.

I had dream that we moved into a house in the mountains with seven acres, and a long porch around the front.

I told mom.

We found the house.

We moved.

We've stayed here sense.  

We got a life.  Like, seriously.  Before we lived here we took a stereotypical homeschooler test, and we passed with flying colors.  I'm thankful to say that that is no longer the case.  I found friends, real ones, not just playground friends (although I still make playground friends). I picked up the violin.  I was in my first real play and decided I wanted to be an actress.  We continued Tae Kwon do.  We found a church.  I finished my first novel with the encouragement of my homeschool group, and I basically started chipping into my talents with the help from my inspiring friends.

Our dear Gato passed away, and Teddy Bear had to be given up for adoption.  But we also got Say-Say our dog, our cats: Loki, Mulligan (Moo-Goo) and Wallace, The Princess (my chicken) and Zar Nickolas Benedict Cumberbatch the 2nd (my salamander). 

Here is a picture of us today:

Well for one thing we're all taller.....Well for one thing they're all taller.....

We've lost some dear family members.  My Princess, Zar Nickolas Benedict Cumberbatch the 2nd, and Mulligan all moved on from our home, never yet to return.

We also received a new member of the family, my little sister Boofer.  It's strange to think that throughout me and most of my siblings lives we've been traveling and having adventures, and Boofer's gonna have a completely different kind of adventure.  I'd like to say that she missed a lot, but that's not necessarily true.

Side Note:  DO YOU REALIZE HOW LONG IT TOOK ME TO MAKE THIS???????????  I HAVEN'T SPENT SO MUCH TIME WITH MY PLAYMOBILES IN YEARS!!!